Scariest Halloween EVER!

I suck as a human being. I am a failure. Lol

I TRIED to talk to Melvin last night, but I got all cold and numb and I had no voice.

The night actually ended all jacked up cause we were standing at the door talking and I made some generalized comment - something about guys, that could have been easily taken to mean that he isn't the only guy in my life... OK, thats the only way for it to be taken. Well, he grabs his chest and says 'Ouch, that hurt my heart...' I tried to move his hands and kiss his chest, but he wouldn't let me... I felt bad, cause. Good gosh! You know how bent I am over him. He is the only guy I want to be with... I just cannot make that come across in the words I choose when I talk to him cause I want to be so aloof about everythng. I spend too much energy at making every touch, every look, every word to be absolutely void of any feeling or emotion. I don't know why he puts up with me. Really, I don't. I'm not worth it. He is such a better person than me.
And then I make some other dumb comment, just as the previous one was starting to slip away... and he kinda pushes me out the door. (Not like all mean and shovey, but like, I had the door open and he steps closer forcing me to back down and then he closes the door.) I know it's all my fault. So as I drove home I texted him and said "FYI: You're the only one. You've been the only one for 2 years." And I didn't expect a return reply at all... and I got exactly what I expected. Silence.

I had hoped maybe he'd call or text today. But nothing.

When I went on my 2 mile walk today I had about 10 different conversations in my head with him. Conversations where I come totally clean, conversations where I come partly clean, conversations where I tell him how hard it is for me to find the right words cause I'm so emotionally unavailable... None of which will ever actually find their way to his ears.

I wrote an email to him.

Here is the email: "Hey. I just wanted to call and let you know that while I suck at words and stuff, I do care about you. I probably care about you too much. I've been through alot the past couple of years and I've made changes about how I live, but there are some things I haven't gotten to yet: like learning how to express myself. In case you were unaware, you are the only guy I care about. The only guy I've so much as hugged or kissed in the past 2 years. I don't know how you feel, or if you feel anything at all for me, but, well, now you know where I'm at. "

Of course I don't have the balls to email it to him. It's too long to text. I actually intended for it to be a mini transcript, so I could call him and my brain wouldn't go blank. Something for me to reference so I could get it all out of me, and to him... so whenI just tried to call him I got his voicemail (which I was hoping for) but as soon as it beeped for me to leave a msg all of the blood drained from my body and I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't breathe... So I just said "Happy Halloween. I hope you had a good day." And I hung up.

I suck. I need to move on.

**************************************************************

OMG!! I TOTALLY did it!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so freaking PROUD of my bloodless, numb self right now.
(adrenaline rush, anyone? I need a drink!)

So I called back again... only 40 minutes since I left the last msg...
"Oh goody, voicemail again. I'm so lucky... Well, I really just wanted to talk to you and apologize for anything I may have said last night that came off as cold or offensive. I suck with words and I don't say things right. I'm sorry. And just in case you have any doubt at all, I want you to know that you ARE the only one - the only one I want. I care about you and you are very special to me. And so, yeah. If you want to talk to me about...anything, you know my number."

I FREAKING SAID THIS! (Maybe not exactly, cause my pulse was racing and I was dumb and had little black flashes of non-light entering my vision and it was bad.) Lol. I swear ... I love him.
And I hate him for it.

What did i just do??

Sunday

Today I was at work and Melvin calls me. He was on his way to Church (cause he's a good boy.) He said he just called to say Hello. So I said "Hello." He laughed and said "Hi! How are ya?" Ugh. Then I asked him what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." Somehow, I don't remember what led to it, be he said I was special, then he quickly added "special to me." Uhh... OK. And I said "Aww, that was so sweet, thank you. You're so nice." And he said "I've been called worse." I said "Some called you somethig worse than 'nice?'" and he said yes. I asked "Who said what to you, cause I'll beat them up!" And he said Now now. we must rise above." (like I said, he's a good boy.) And I just started laughing and said "OMG! You're a better person than me!!!" And he said "Nah I've just learned the hard way." Lol. Anyway. That whole convo took 2 minutes, 8 seconds. I need to see him. Ugh. Its been like 2 weeks. I'm seriously pathetic.

Friday night....What are you doing?

Cause I have no clue what I'm doing!!
I wanted to go see Melvin, but when I called him at 9:30am he said he didn't know what his plans were and he'd let me know if he was going to be home tonight.
Uh... Hello??
OK, First off... am I not important enough to just make plans with me??? Why must he wait and see what else comes his way? Why must I be the fallback plan, in case nothing else pans out. I called early so that I could BE his plans for the evening!
I was so hurt at first... Now I"m just mad. And I think that if he calls me now he will be lucky if I answer the phone.
Ugh.

I'm a relationship-retard

So, Monday night Melvin called and asked me to come over... and of course I did.

When we were still on the phone he told me he'd added new pictures to his myspace and wanted me to check them out. I said I would... but then I got busy touching up my makeup and changing my clothes so I'd look cute and refreshed for him. :)

So he asks me if I'd looked at his new pics on myspace and I said No. He told me I should look at them when I get home, I said OK. Then I asked him if they were more pictures of his naked women, cause he has several shots of random women like their butts or cleavage. And he laughed and said no. He jokingly asked if I wanted my pic added there (he has some pics of me, but no cleavage or butt shots that I know of) and I said "No Way! I have family on myspace and they don't need to accidentally see them!" He said "You don't wanna be my woman?" I said "I don't wanna be one of your women." (notice his sigular, and my plural... yeah, I wasn't paying attention untilI'd started laughing and joking around about it.) And he said it again "You don't wanna be my woman?" I said "I'm no ones anything." He said "then what are yuo?" I said "I'm just me. An individual." And he said "But not my woman?" (This is when it dawns on me that maybe the conversation was different than I'd thought it was.)

He just needs to tell me outright what he wants from me. Haha. He needs to turn into a caveman and club me over the head and drag me away by my hair. Lol. Seriously. Dang.

I practice having conversations with him... but it never happens. Lol. GEEK GEEK GEEK!!!

Oh...... and that night we were watching an episode of NCIS and the main dude on there has been divorced 3 times. One of those marriages only lasted 13 months. I said "13 months! That was hardly worth it!" and Melvin says "We could do better than that. Should we?" Lol. And no, I don't even beleive he was serious, that was a total joke! I was laughing so hard and i said "Oh baby lets fly to Vegas!" Then he bit my neck. D.a.n.g. It all went downhill after that. My brain function severely drops when my neck is bitten or kissed. ;) I hate/love him.

Leaking toilet

Yeah. My toilet is laking. The bathroom floor has flooded 3 times in the last 24 hours. I've called my landlord and left a msg... of course he hasn't called me back yet. The water is coming from underneath, so its clean water, but still...

So, now at least 2 people read this blog. Yay. Lol. Feel free to inject your opinions on me whenever you feel the desire to do so. Lord knows I could use some guidance!

I've not seen Melvin in like 2 weeks. He's been busy with work. First there was a convention in town that he had to help with, then they had him doing some late night stuff... I know cause he's called me from his office at midnight. I miss seeing him, but I have talked to him more on the phone the past two weeks than we normally talk, so that is nice. He promised me on Friday night that he would make time for me this week... so we shall see. I'm going to try really really hard to have a conversation with him about how I feel and stuff. Basically I think that if he doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him that we just need to go our separate ways... its too hard to see him and kiss him only to have the fear that he is only using me. I'm sure that alot of that is my own lack of self confidence... but still.

Oh, and I'm so pleased that it is Fall! I went on my yearly Fall hike through a state park and took like 100 pictures. 3.5 miles! It was amazing. And now I'm buring a couple of Pumpkin Spice candles and my house smells so yummy. :) It's the little things...

Whew!

He FINALLY texted me back last night! I broke down and was just like "I know you've been busy this week, I just wanted you to know I miss you and hope to hear from you soon." He wrote back and said that he'd been very busy and he was glad I was understanding... We sent a few texts back and forth, and I said goodnight.
Today I just text hims and said "Smile, Someone is thinking about you. I hope you had a great day!" And he thanked me, and said he hoped I had a good day as well...

Everything between us is just so random and ... complicated.
I swear - the next time I see him I will TALK to him. Either we are 'together' or we're not, and I get to try to move on. I love him, but I can't handle being in limbo, whether the cause be my own intimatcy issues or his 'player' tendencies.

Worried... I think I'm paranoid

OK, I'm worried and paranoid now. I haven't heard from Melvin since last Saturday night... I've tried to call him and it went to voicemail after only 2 rings - meaning he ignored me. And I've texted him several times and haven't heard anything back from him. Is it too late? Did I screw things up?