Charolette

I have a cousin named Charolette. She is 10 years younger than I am, so she just turned 20. When she was 11 years old her mother died. Cancer. Her father was in prison for molesting her, and many other little girls. She had no where else to go really, so she came to live with my mom. Quickly she came to be like a little sister to me, even though we had such an age difference and hadn't grown up around each other at all. I would take her shoping at the mall, and we'd just hang out. I loved her so much.
I think I always admired her for the inner strength that she possessed. She testified against her father in court (molestation trial) when she was very young. When her mother died she took it in stride and I don't even think she cried at the funeral.
And you could definatly tell that we were related. Our mothers were sisters. She and I had so many of the same mannerisms and ideals. Even with a 10 year age difference we were pretty in tune with each other and we were close.
A few years after she moved in with my mom, my mom was moving from our hometown to a town about 2 hours away, in another state. Charolette, along with now being 13, wasn't thrilled with moving yet again. Being faced with starting her life over again, she became rebellious. By the end of that year my mom had had enough and sent her to live with the parents of one of her friends from her original hometown. That lasted about a year, then she was back at my moms for a few months. Just before her 16th birthday she decided to move back again to her hometown, with her stepfather and little brother.
She had always told me that she was going to drop out of high school the day she turned 16. I lectured her long and hard about that - to the point that she and I were both in tears. More than anything else in the world I wanted her to come live with me, but that wasn't possible at the time.
We had very little contact over the next 2 years. I think I saw her once or twice. I missed her all the time. I still loved her and prayed for her all the time. April 2005 I recieved an invitation to her high school graduation. I cried tears of joy. I was so happy - so proud of her - that in spite of everything that that child had gone through in her life, she was still graduating high school.
Never give up. Thats what I used to tell her. Even if you think you will never go to college, never give up, because someday you might change your mind. As far as I know she hasn't gone to college, and I'm cool with that. I didn't go to college until I was 22. Things change, our wants and desires change.
She did get pregnant in her senior year. She gave birth to a baby boy just a few months before graduating. I wasn't thrilled with that news. I was sad for her, but not disappointed in her.

So why am I writing all of this now? Because I miss her. Sometimes her face comes to me in my dreams. Last night I deamt about her. In the dream she was back to being that 10 year old little girl I first got to know so many years ago. Nothing in particular happened in the dream... it was just a memory of me comforting my newest little sister with a hug and a kiss on the forehead.
I'm not sure what keeps me from trying to reach out to her now. I have 2 phone numbers for her - but those are over 2 years old, so who knows if they are even right? I miss her.

Char, if you happen across this, please call me.
Love, Sissy

Do I n.e.e.d. another blog?

Not sure why I created this blog. I have an online diary. I have a myspace.
I think this one will show a side of me that I don't share in my OD.

I talked to Ron today for the first time in forever. I miss him. I felt like I was about 2 seconds from asking him to move back in, so I ended the conversation. I don't 'love' him anymore. I don't think I ever did. Not really. But I do love him. He is one of my dearest friends. He knows me in ways that alot of people don't. He knows me in a way you can only know someone if you've lived with them for an extended period of time. Sometimes I think he knows me too well, other times I think he is clueless as to who I really am... and I know that that is my fault.
I've always played the role of tough girl. I've always been teased because of my weight, so I played it off like I had no feelings at all... and living that way for years wears you down. I think I've actually convinced myself that I have no feelings, no emotions. I haven't cried in over 2 years. I can't cry, even when I really want/need to... I can't.
So I've kept peices of myself locked away and hidden from the world. thats no ones fault by my own. I can't blame the bullies in high school for that. I can't blame anyone for my skewed relationships... no, that would be the fault of my non-existant self esteem. I actually have 3 very attractive men interested in me, but won't let them get anywhere close to me. I'm scared, and I'm not sure what I'm more scared of - Being loved... or finding out that I'm unlovable.
I'm on a new journey now. A journey of self discovery and self patience.

So this is my new blog... I can't promise that it will be exciting... but it will be real.