Not sure why I created this blog. I have an online diary. I have a myspace.
I think this one will show a side of me that I don't share in my OD.
I talked to Ron today for the first time in forever. I miss him. I felt like I was about 2 seconds from asking him to move back in, so I ended the conversation. I don't 'love' him anymore. I don't think I ever did. Not really. But I do love him. He is one of my dearest friends. He knows me in ways that alot of people don't. He knows me in a way you can only know someone if you've lived with them for an extended period of time. Sometimes I think he knows me too well, other times I think he is clueless as to who I really am... and I know that that is my fault.
I've always played the role of tough girl. I've always been teased because of my weight, so I played it off like I had no feelings at all... and living that way for years wears you down. I think I've actually convinced myself that I have no feelings, no emotions. I haven't cried in over 2 years. I can't cry, even when I really want/need to... I can't.
So I've kept peices of myself locked away and hidden from the world. thats no ones fault by my own. I can't blame the bullies in high school for that. I can't blame anyone for my skewed relationships... no, that would be the fault of my non-existant self esteem. I actually have 3 very attractive men interested in me, but won't let them get anywhere close to me. I'm scared, and I'm not sure what I'm more scared of - Being loved... or finding out that I'm unlovable.
I'm on a new journey now. A journey of self discovery and self patience.
So this is my new blog... I can't promise that it will be exciting... but it will be real.
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