Why do I bother?

Ok. I might be writing about Melvin alot in this blog. I cannot mention him in my OD because too many peolpe I know read it and most of them do not approve of my liking him and wanting to spend time with him. And there are reasons for that... he makes me angry. He infuriates me with not being much of a conversationalist, with always expecting a blow job when I do see him, with canceling dates we make, with calling me at 9pm and wanting me to drop everything and come over - probably for a blow job. And I'm not a slut. I'm not his little cum-whore. Anyway...
So I love this man. I want him. I would be with him in a heartbeat if I could. I could have dropped everything tonight to go see him. I wanted to, but we need to set some boundaries! And I need to feel like he respects me and my time. He needs to not call me at 9pm and expect me to be there.
He isn't all bad. He is very sweet and caring. But he is a 30 year old man.

I have a date with a 45 year old man on Thursday night. A white man, at that. Haven't dated one of those in a while. But I figure that if what I've been doing isn't working, do something different... so an older white man it is. His name is Garry. He works in the "hotel business" though I'm not exactly sure what all that means. We're going to meet up at an Irish Pub for cocktails, and chat. It'll be odd. It's the initial 'get to know you' date that I hate so much. I like it better when the basic facts are out there already and you know how to act and what they would deemrude or whatever. Plus there is the whole issue of him being 15 years older than me. I've never dated anyone that much older than me before. Makes me wonder where our maturity levels will be, will we match at all? Life experiences will be so different and ... I need to quit worrying about it.

Melvin texted and said he might be able to see me on Thursday, since he had to cancel Tuesday... I told him I had plans already (the date with Garry) but that if I knew early enough about wether or not he could actually spare his time to see me then I could cancel my plans and see him. He wrote back "No need to cancel, I'll wait my turn." I wrote him back saying "You're more important than the other people I have plans with. Silly boy." I would seriously never date anyone else if I believed he would want me on the same level that I want him. This is insane. It will end badly. Love & Lust are so messy.