Damnit!

OK. I was supposed to go to Melvins place tonight. Haven't seen him in like a month, cause he was in Houston with his family for 2 1/2 weeks.. He's been back in town since the 6th.
Which brings me to another point. January 6th 2006 is the last time I've had sex. Yes, 2 years of celibacy. My initial Mission to Celibacy was to last 2 years. Haha. So I'm super excited that I made it and that I only mearly tripped up once, with some random myspace guy last January, but made him leave before I could do anything bad. Besides, he had a very very small penis. (seriously, small.)
So, for whatever reason, Melvin called me from work a few minutes ago. He got hung up there and won't be making it home early enough for me to visit cause I have to work tomorrow, which means early bedtime for me. He understands my bedtime being important, cause I get bitchy with little sleep, and if I"m tired and bitchy at work, it could harm a patient... He is so very understanding with everything I put him through... LIke the no sex thing. I mean, I"ve been messing with him for OVER 2 years now... and still no sex. Other than the occational blow job I grace him with (I'm one of those weird people who don't really see oral as sex...) he is totally fine with just making out. He's never pressured me for anything further, or hell, anything at all. I swear, I totally love him.
Anyway.... so we were on the phone tonight and started talking about the no sex thing and he said to me that he was cool with it, and supported me in what I needed to do for myself. (He doesn't know every detail that made me decide on a celibacy mission, but I did tell him 2 years ago that I started it cause sex without meaning became too easy, and I didn't want to ever be veiwed as a 'whore'.) I made some comment like "Mission completed" and he questioned that. I told him I wanted 2 years of celibacy, unless I was in a serious commited relationship. He said "So 2 years is up?" with a hopeful gleam in his voice. And I just told him that now I'm at the point where it is awkward for me. No sex for 2 years has changed my perspective of things. So now I'm afraid that sex will mean TOO much to me, that if I sleep with him, because I like him so much, that everything would become harder and more complicated for me... It's purely selfish of me. Lol.
Anyway... So I think that now that we've opened up THAT conversation... maybe it will be a bridge for me to open up the one about where I freaking love him and either need to be the only girl he is seeing, or not see him at all... which will totally break my heart, but needs to be done. We either need to move forward, or move on. It has been TWO years...