My Relationships with Men

This is a copy/paste from my myspace blog - in case I decide to delete it from there... I still want it saved - for me.


Why I am about to write this out in THIS blog, I do not really know... It’s not my most private blog... and it’s not my most public... but it is the one that has the potential to be read by the people I care most about in life. The people who know little to nothing about what I may or may not have the courage to actually post here.

Why I’m evening thinking about this stuff is for several reasons... most of which I honestly do not what to go into at this time. But one of them is that one of my friends is the most affectionatly open people I know. She wears her heart on her sleeve, nearly literally, and while it has caused her pain, it has also brought her great joy. I’ve always kept my heart neatly locked away, nearly impossible to reach... sometimes I forget it’s even still around, and then one day it will beat and I’ll think ’oh yeah, I do have one...’

Sometimes I get so sick and tired of hiding the bad parts from everyone else... and maybe from myself as well. I know that no one really understands why I am the ’way I am’ and perhaps most don’t care. But, this is my attempt to put myself ’out there’ and be a more open person. Who knows... I may take this blog down before anyone gets to read it. We’ll see...

My first true love was Michael Jackson. I was about 4 or 5 years old. And well, I guess we all know how that one turned out.

In kindergarden or first grade I lived in a very small town where the grades were combined into one classroom. So both of those years I had to share a classroom with my older brother. Well, a boy in his grade, who sat in the row in front of me, passed me a note one day that said I should tell the teacher I had to pee and then meet him out by the water fountain. I didn’t know what for? I did it though, He was already out there and he said we should kiss. I told him that I didn’t love him, which he didn’t care about. (insert laughter...) Well, we decided that we would kiss, but that if he told ANYONE I would hit him. Sure enough... in recess an hour later he’d told all of his grade and my grade about out little kissfest near the water fountain. I walked right up to him and punched him in the chest. Then I got sent home early with a note for my mom.

The random kissing and then threatening to beat up the guys thing happened a few times through high school.

Umm...

As an adult I haven’t been so assertive. And I’ve suffered for it.

When I was 18 there was A. I thought he was so good for me and safe. And in many aspects I was correct.... but mostly he taught me to never trust. Because if there was any man, outside of my own family, that I should be able to trust, it should have been him. And for all of his kindness, for all of his taking me out to nice places, fun places, and buying me things that I wanted and things that I needed... He destroyed so much of my young vulnerabilities. My only victory in this relationship was that I was the one to end it. I left him just when, he claims, he was begining to finally fall in love with me.

During a ’down’ time with A I had a secret huge crush on this guy who I will call R1. He was only about 30 years older than me... which made it kinda gross, but he was very nice and treated me very kind. I think that, at that point in my life, if he wanted me the way I wanted him, I’d have given up everything for him.

Then there was M. I didn’t really have a relationship with him... he was an upstairs neighbor I had when I was about 20 years old. We went on a few dates, which I had to drive, cause he didn’t have a car. He did pay for dinners and movies though. We’d go back to his apt and he’d try to get me to drink alcohol... which at the time I didn’t drink at all. I was convinced that he was trying to get me drunk to take nasty sweaty advantage of me. Lol. Overall... I just wasn’t that into him. I like men with cars. And jobs.

Who’s next... I guess the next one I will mention is the one I want to mention the least. This is the one where a few people know a few details... but no one knows the whole story... not even my best friends... I’d like to say that this is the relationship that did the most damage to me... but I highly doubt it is. I think it was just the most traumatic. So, J. I met J in a bar (enough said) when I was 21. I was living with Jenifer at the time, and she was getting ready to move to Houston. I needed to find a place to live, and since I’d been kinda ’dating’ (thats code for ’sleeping with’) J for a couple months, so I just sorta moved in with him. It was either that, or live in my car in a parking lot somewhere. Things were OK for a week or so. I dunno. Maybe longer than that. Things happened pretty quickly. I think I only lived with him for about 2 months. I moved out on April 13th 1999, I do remember that! But, the 2 months I was there for... sucked. He was a drunk (ie: we met in a bar!) And he liked to come home drunk. I’d usually be able to pretend to be asleep and everything would be semi-ok. He seemed to like to yell at me when he didn’t think I could hear him? What the point of that was, I’ll never understand. He was... sigh... he was abusive. I think I told Jen once that he hit me. But it did happen more than once. Sometimes I’d get a good hit in on him too. I just remember having to clean the tiny studio apt after we’d fight... and I have no clue what we were fighting over, other than my desire to remain clothed. Lol. I guess I shouldn’t laugh here. It’s about to get uglier.
One night I had been visiting my mom in my hometown. I think I left her house at like 8 or 9pm. As I was leaving town I saw my step-dad (he and my mom were already divorced by this point in time) outside his parents house, so I stopped to chat with him for a bit. I remember leaving there around 11:30pm, and getting back to the apt I shared with J at about midnight. I walk in the door... and what did I see? He was screwing a woman I like to call ’Bertha’ right there in our bed. Well... I must admit. I was mostly amused as hell. I had to stifle my giggles as I made my way through the apt into the bathroom. I’m sitting on the toilet peeing, talking to Amber on my cell phone, telling her about it... and he rushes in the bathroom. I hang up the phone, still sitting on the toilet, and he starts yelling at me, calling me a whore (excuse me? who was screwing who in my bed?) and when I look up to him with what I know had to be a feirce pissed off look he decided to slap me. I reach down to grab my pants, cause if we’re gonna fight, I want pants on... and he grabs me by the neck and left arm and jerks me up and pushes me against the wall. He was yelling at me still, but I couldn’t hear anything. I could only try to anticipate his next move... He finally left me there, by now I’m laying on the bathroom floor hating myself for not choosing to live in my car. He’d left the apt, but not before leaving some note saying how I had to be moved out within 8 days.
The next few days went pretty smoothly. He was hardly ever at home, I guess he was at Bertha’s. I spent my days working,. and my evenings looking for a place to live. I had a few leads, but nothing was panning out for me. A couple days passed, and I still had a few days to find a place, I’d talked to my mom just stating the basics: fight, need place to live.. Then her b/f at the time, Larry, offered up his house that he was trying to sell. Sure, it was an hour away from the city... but it was a 2 bdrm house in a tiny town that I would have all to myself. So... on April 12th I spent the evening packing up my stuff. I didn’t have to be out until the 15th. I don’t think he expected me to leave at all... which I found out in the wee morning hours of the 13th. So... I packed and had my car stuffed with everything I owned at the time, except for a laundry basket, and my fish/fishtank & accessories. I had the strangest, brief conversation with one of the neighbors who’d never spoken to me before, but when he realized i was packing the car he told me how happy he was that I was ’finally’ leaving... apparently he’d heard our fights but never thought to interfere... (I wish he would have...)
I go to bed that night, on the floor... I just had the weirdest feeling that J would be coming home that night, even though I hadn’t seen him in 2 days. Yeah, so he came home and I woke up being kicked in the ribs and being called a whore and being asked what I thought I was doing with my things packed. (Duh...) When I reminded him that he was kicking me out he replied that he was just mad when he said that, and that I wasn’t allowed to leave. There were moments in those 3 hours where I felt like he was going to never let me leave that apt. We screamed, fought, cried, punched, hit, kicked... threw things. He raped me. It was just nasty and ugly. He was totally drunk and out of control. Once he passed out, I got up and took a shower. I snuck out without waking him. I went to find Larry, because even though I wasn’t planning on ever telling anyone (which is now kinda out there...) I wasn’t going back to that apt alone to finish getting my stuff, and I wasn’t willing to leave my beloved fish, Oscar. So Larry went with me when I went back for Oscar. And of course J was sitting in the chair right in front of the door... he started to jump up at me when he saw Larry behind me and he sat back down. (I’ll always love Larry for just being there!) When Larry went to the bathroom to get the fishtank stuff J was begging me to stay and blah blah blah. It felt so good to tell him to fuck off, and then walk away - knowing he didn’t dare try to hurt me with Larry around.

Pft.

Then... lemme see... Amber tried to set me up with Joe... who is now her husband. That was fun. He’s a great guy, but we’re clearly completely different people. I pushed him back onto her, and then decided he wasn’t good enough for her so I tried to break them up... Yes, I suck. Haha. Fun times.

I took a huge dating hiatus. I met R on yahoo personals (never again... Neh-Ver again!!) I don’t even care to go into this one. It’s dragged on and on and on for the past 6 years. Even though I dumped him 5 1/2 years ago. Lol. I will admit that after what I had with J, that the relationship with R was nice at first, cause I was the one with all the power and control. It helped me to heal mentally and emotionally. He is the very very very annoying roommate that doesn’t seem to know how to leave and stay gone. I tease that at the end of the world there will be R&R - Roaches and R... And most people who know him would most likely agree.

There was a guy... T... that Jenifer met through myspace.. or maybe it was Hi5(?). He lived here in KC so she set me up with him. He seemed ’so nice’ on the phone, so I agreed to go over to his place when he moved into his new apt. That decision quickly became a nightmare. He was clearly into some rough stuff that I was not into... and I let myself be painted into a corner. I played along just long enough to get to the door, he was pissed beyond what I’d imagined, but he did let me leave. I had bruises all over my back, chest, rib cage, and arms... I was only there for an hour... they were not ’fun’ bruises. I was so terrified after this occurance that I literally had my favoritest ever neighbor - Th - spend 2 nights sleeping in my recliner by my front door. I didn’t hear from T for over a year when he tried to re-add me as a friend on myspace. Lol. He’s kinda dumb.

Hmm... I guess that’s more than enough drama. That brings us up to about 2 1/2 - 3 years ago...

Well, this part will go quickly:
I admit to having two worthless one night stands shortly after the incident with T. Both were stupid on my part... and neither one was slightly enjoyable...

I have now been voluntarily celibate since Jan 2006.
I’ve just made the decision that lust is no longer enough. I deserve the best, and I won’t settle for anything, or anyone less than that.

If you judge me based on this blog - I’ll spork your eyes out.