My scales are mooooooooooving! I'm down 98.6 pounds this morning... almost the magical 100 mark. I couldn't be more thrilled! ... well... I'd be mighty mighty thrilled if I could wake up tomorrow and be at goal... but thats still like 130 pounds away. Lol. Still though. 98.6 pounds is amazing. I now weigh less than I did in high school. Most of my size 24 pants are getting a little baggy. I can buy clothes at cheap-o places like WalMart again... the past SEVERAL years I could only wear the clothes from places like Catherines, Lane Bryant, The Avenue, and Fashion Bug. Now I can go to WalMart and pay for 2 or three shirts with what would only buy one shirt at the other stores.
Eh, I just thought I'd write about something cheery and upbeat for once. Lol.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
My Relationships with Men
This is a copy/paste from my myspace blog - in case I decide to delete it from there... I still want it saved - for me.
Why I am about to write this out in THIS blog, I do not really know... It’s not my most private blog... and it’s not my most public... but it is the one that has the potential to be read by the people I care most about in life. The people who know little to nothing about what I may or may not have the courage to actually post here.
Why I’m evening thinking about this stuff is for several reasons... most of which I honestly do not what to go into at this time. But one of them is that one of my friends is the most affectionatly open people I know. She wears her heart on her sleeve, nearly literally, and while it has caused her pain, it has also brought her great joy. I’ve always kept my heart neatly locked away, nearly impossible to reach... sometimes I forget it’s even still around, and then one day it will beat and I’ll think ’oh yeah, I do have one...’
Sometimes I get so sick and tired of hiding the bad parts from everyone else... and maybe from myself as well. I know that no one really understands why I am the ’way I am’ and perhaps most don’t care. But, this is my attempt to put myself ’out there’ and be a more open person. Who knows... I may take this blog down before anyone gets to read it. We’ll see...
My first true love was Michael Jackson. I was about 4 or 5 years old. And well, I guess we all know how that one turned out.
In kindergarden or first grade I lived in a very small town where the grades were combined into one classroom. So both of those years I had to share a classroom with my older brother. Well, a boy in his grade, who sat in the row in front of me, passed me a note one day that said I should tell the teacher I had to pee and then meet him out by the water fountain. I didn’t know what for? I did it though, He was already out there and he said we should kiss. I told him that I didn’t love him, which he didn’t care about. (insert laughter...) Well, we decided that we would kiss, but that if he told ANYONE I would hit him. Sure enough... in recess an hour later he’d told all of his grade and my grade about out little kissfest near the water fountain. I walked right up to him and punched him in the chest. Then I got sent home early with a note for my mom.
The random kissing and then threatening to beat up the guys thing happened a few times through high school.
Umm...
As an adult I haven’t been so assertive. And I’ve suffered for it.
When I was 18 there was A. I thought he was so good for me and safe. And in many aspects I was correct.... but mostly he taught me to never trust. Because if there was any man, outside of my own family, that I should be able to trust, it should have been him. And for all of his kindness, for all of his taking me out to nice places, fun places, and buying me things that I wanted and things that I needed... He destroyed so much of my young vulnerabilities. My only victory in this relationship was that I was the one to end it. I left him just when, he claims, he was begining to finally fall in love with me.
During a ’down’ time with A I had a secret huge crush on this guy who I will call R1. He was only about 30 years older than me... which made it kinda gross, but he was very nice and treated me very kind. I think that, at that point in my life, if he wanted me the way I wanted him, I’d have given up everything for him.
Then there was M. I didn’t really have a relationship with him... he was an upstairs neighbor I had when I was about 20 years old. We went on a few dates, which I had to drive, cause he didn’t have a car. He did pay for dinners and movies though. We’d go back to his apt and he’d try to get me to drink alcohol... which at the time I didn’t drink at all. I was convinced that he was trying to get me drunk to take nasty sweaty advantage of me. Lol. Overall... I just wasn’t that into him. I like men with cars. And jobs.
Who’s next... I guess the next one I will mention is the one I want to mention the least. This is the one where a few people know a few details... but no one knows the whole story... not even my best friends... I’d like to say that this is the relationship that did the most damage to me... but I highly doubt it is. I think it was just the most traumatic. So, J. I met J in a bar (enough said) when I was 21. I was living with Jenifer at the time, and she was getting ready to move to Houston. I needed to find a place to live, and since I’d been kinda ’dating’ (thats code for ’sleeping with’) J for a couple months, so I just sorta moved in with him. It was either that, or live in my car in a parking lot somewhere. Things were OK for a week or so. I dunno. Maybe longer than that. Things happened pretty quickly. I think I only lived with him for about 2 months. I moved out on April 13th 1999, I do remember that! But, the 2 months I was there for... sucked. He was a drunk (ie: we met in a bar!) And he liked to come home drunk. I’d usually be able to pretend to be asleep and everything would be semi-ok. He seemed to like to yell at me when he didn’t think I could hear him? What the point of that was, I’ll never understand. He was... sigh... he was abusive. I think I told Jen once that he hit me. But it did happen more than once. Sometimes I’d get a good hit in on him too. I just remember having to clean the tiny studio apt after we’d fight... and I have no clue what we were fighting over, other than my desire to remain clothed. Lol. I guess I shouldn’t laugh here. It’s about to get uglier.
One night I had been visiting my mom in my hometown. I think I left her house at like 8 or 9pm. As I was leaving town I saw my step-dad (he and my mom were already divorced by this point in time) outside his parents house, so I stopped to chat with him for a bit. I remember leaving there around 11:30pm, and getting back to the apt I shared with J at about midnight. I walk in the door... and what did I see? He was screwing a woman I like to call ’Bertha’ right there in our bed. Well... I must admit. I was mostly amused as hell. I had to stifle my giggles as I made my way through the apt into the bathroom. I’m sitting on the toilet peeing, talking to Amber on my cell phone, telling her about it... and he rushes in the bathroom. I hang up the phone, still sitting on the toilet, and he starts yelling at me, calling me a whore (excuse me? who was screwing who in my bed?) and when I look up to him with what I know had to be a feirce pissed off look he decided to slap me. I reach down to grab my pants, cause if we’re gonna fight, I want pants on... and he grabs me by the neck and left arm and jerks me up and pushes me against the wall. He was yelling at me still, but I couldn’t hear anything. I could only try to anticipate his next move... He finally left me there, by now I’m laying on the bathroom floor hating myself for not choosing to live in my car. He’d left the apt, but not before leaving some note saying how I had to be moved out within 8 days.
The next few days went pretty smoothly. He was hardly ever at home, I guess he was at Bertha’s. I spent my days working,. and my evenings looking for a place to live. I had a few leads, but nothing was panning out for me. A couple days passed, and I still had a few days to find a place, I’d talked to my mom just stating the basics: fight, need place to live.. Then her b/f at the time, Larry, offered up his house that he was trying to sell. Sure, it was an hour away from the city... but it was a 2 bdrm house in a tiny town that I would have all to myself. So... on April 12th I spent the evening packing up my stuff. I didn’t have to be out until the 15th. I don’t think he expected me to leave at all... which I found out in the wee morning hours of the 13th. So... I packed and had my car stuffed with everything I owned at the time, except for a laundry basket, and my fish/fishtank & accessories. I had the strangest, brief conversation with one of the neighbors who’d never spoken to me before, but when he realized i was packing the car he told me how happy he was that I was ’finally’ leaving... apparently he’d heard our fights but never thought to interfere... (I wish he would have...)
I go to bed that night, on the floor... I just had the weirdest feeling that J would be coming home that night, even though I hadn’t seen him in 2 days. Yeah, so he came home and I woke up being kicked in the ribs and being called a whore and being asked what I thought I was doing with my things packed. (Duh...) When I reminded him that he was kicking me out he replied that he was just mad when he said that, and that I wasn’t allowed to leave. There were moments in those 3 hours where I felt like he was going to never let me leave that apt. We screamed, fought, cried, punched, hit, kicked... threw things. He raped me. It was just nasty and ugly. He was totally drunk and out of control. Once he passed out, I got up and took a shower. I snuck out without waking him. I went to find Larry, because even though I wasn’t planning on ever telling anyone (which is now kinda out there...) I wasn’t going back to that apt alone to finish getting my stuff, and I wasn’t willing to leave my beloved fish, Oscar. So Larry went with me when I went back for Oscar. And of course J was sitting in the chair right in front of the door... he started to jump up at me when he saw Larry behind me and he sat back down. (I’ll always love Larry for just being there!) When Larry went to the bathroom to get the fishtank stuff J was begging me to stay and blah blah blah. It felt so good to tell him to fuck off, and then walk away - knowing he didn’t dare try to hurt me with Larry around.
Pft.
Then... lemme see... Amber tried to set me up with Joe... who is now her husband. That was fun. He’s a great guy, but we’re clearly completely different people. I pushed him back onto her, and then decided he wasn’t good enough for her so I tried to break them up... Yes, I suck. Haha. Fun times.
I took a huge dating hiatus. I met R on yahoo personals (never again... Neh-Ver again!!) I don’t even care to go into this one. It’s dragged on and on and on for the past 6 years. Even though I dumped him 5 1/2 years ago. Lol. I will admit that after what I had with J, that the relationship with R was nice at first, cause I was the one with all the power and control. It helped me to heal mentally and emotionally. He is the very very very annoying roommate that doesn’t seem to know how to leave and stay gone. I tease that at the end of the world there will be R&R - Roaches and R... And most people who know him would most likely agree.
There was a guy... T... that Jenifer met through myspace.. or maybe it was Hi5(?). He lived here in KC so she set me up with him. He seemed ’so nice’ on the phone, so I agreed to go over to his place when he moved into his new apt. That decision quickly became a nightmare. He was clearly into some rough stuff that I was not into... and I let myself be painted into a corner. I played along just long enough to get to the door, he was pissed beyond what I’d imagined, but he did let me leave. I had bruises all over my back, chest, rib cage, and arms... I was only there for an hour... they were not ’fun’ bruises. I was so terrified after this occurance that I literally had my favoritest ever neighbor - Th - spend 2 nights sleeping in my recliner by my front door. I didn’t hear from T for over a year when he tried to re-add me as a friend on myspace. Lol. He’s kinda dumb.
Hmm... I guess that’s more than enough drama. That brings us up to about 2 1/2 - 3 years ago...
Well, this part will go quickly:
I admit to having two worthless one night stands shortly after the incident with T. Both were stupid on my part... and neither one was slightly enjoyable...
I have now been voluntarily celibate since Jan 2006.
I’ve just made the decision that lust is no longer enough. I deserve the best, and I won’t settle for anything, or anyone less than that.
If you judge me based on this blog - I’ll spork your eyes out.
Why I am about to write this out in THIS blog, I do not really know... It’s not my most private blog... and it’s not my most public... but it is the one that has the potential to be read by the people I care most about in life. The people who know little to nothing about what I may or may not have the courage to actually post here.
Why I’m evening thinking about this stuff is for several reasons... most of which I honestly do not what to go into at this time. But one of them is that one of my friends is the most affectionatly open people I know. She wears her heart on her sleeve, nearly literally, and while it has caused her pain, it has also brought her great joy. I’ve always kept my heart neatly locked away, nearly impossible to reach... sometimes I forget it’s even still around, and then one day it will beat and I’ll think ’oh yeah, I do have one...’
Sometimes I get so sick and tired of hiding the bad parts from everyone else... and maybe from myself as well. I know that no one really understands why I am the ’way I am’ and perhaps most don’t care. But, this is my attempt to put myself ’out there’ and be a more open person. Who knows... I may take this blog down before anyone gets to read it. We’ll see...
My first true love was Michael Jackson. I was about 4 or 5 years old. And well, I guess we all know how that one turned out.
In kindergarden or first grade I lived in a very small town where the grades were combined into one classroom. So both of those years I had to share a classroom with my older brother. Well, a boy in his grade, who sat in the row in front of me, passed me a note one day that said I should tell the teacher I had to pee and then meet him out by the water fountain. I didn’t know what for? I did it though, He was already out there and he said we should kiss. I told him that I didn’t love him, which he didn’t care about. (insert laughter...) Well, we decided that we would kiss, but that if he told ANYONE I would hit him. Sure enough... in recess an hour later he’d told all of his grade and my grade about out little kissfest near the water fountain. I walked right up to him and punched him in the chest. Then I got sent home early with a note for my mom.
The random kissing and then threatening to beat up the guys thing happened a few times through high school.
Umm...
As an adult I haven’t been so assertive. And I’ve suffered for it.
When I was 18 there was A. I thought he was so good for me and safe. And in many aspects I was correct.... but mostly he taught me to never trust. Because if there was any man, outside of my own family, that I should be able to trust, it should have been him. And for all of his kindness, for all of his taking me out to nice places, fun places, and buying me things that I wanted and things that I needed... He destroyed so much of my young vulnerabilities. My only victory in this relationship was that I was the one to end it. I left him just when, he claims, he was begining to finally fall in love with me.
During a ’down’ time with A I had a secret huge crush on this guy who I will call R1. He was only about 30 years older than me... which made it kinda gross, but he was very nice and treated me very kind. I think that, at that point in my life, if he wanted me the way I wanted him, I’d have given up everything for him.
Then there was M. I didn’t really have a relationship with him... he was an upstairs neighbor I had when I was about 20 years old. We went on a few dates, which I had to drive, cause he didn’t have a car. He did pay for dinners and movies though. We’d go back to his apt and he’d try to get me to drink alcohol... which at the time I didn’t drink at all. I was convinced that he was trying to get me drunk to take nasty sweaty advantage of me. Lol. Overall... I just wasn’t that into him. I like men with cars. And jobs.
Who’s next... I guess the next one I will mention is the one I want to mention the least. This is the one where a few people know a few details... but no one knows the whole story... not even my best friends... I’d like to say that this is the relationship that did the most damage to me... but I highly doubt it is. I think it was just the most traumatic. So, J. I met J in a bar (enough said) when I was 21. I was living with Jenifer at the time, and she was getting ready to move to Houston. I needed to find a place to live, and since I’d been kinda ’dating’ (thats code for ’sleeping with’) J for a couple months, so I just sorta moved in with him. It was either that, or live in my car in a parking lot somewhere. Things were OK for a week or so. I dunno. Maybe longer than that. Things happened pretty quickly. I think I only lived with him for about 2 months. I moved out on April 13th 1999, I do remember that! But, the 2 months I was there for... sucked. He was a drunk (ie: we met in a bar!) And he liked to come home drunk. I’d usually be able to pretend to be asleep and everything would be semi-ok. He seemed to like to yell at me when he didn’t think I could hear him? What the point of that was, I’ll never understand. He was... sigh... he was abusive. I think I told Jen once that he hit me. But it did happen more than once. Sometimes I’d get a good hit in on him too. I just remember having to clean the tiny studio apt after we’d fight... and I have no clue what we were fighting over, other than my desire to remain clothed. Lol. I guess I shouldn’t laugh here. It’s about to get uglier.
One night I had been visiting my mom in my hometown. I think I left her house at like 8 or 9pm. As I was leaving town I saw my step-dad (he and my mom were already divorced by this point in time) outside his parents house, so I stopped to chat with him for a bit. I remember leaving there around 11:30pm, and getting back to the apt I shared with J at about midnight. I walk in the door... and what did I see? He was screwing a woman I like to call ’Bertha’ right there in our bed. Well... I must admit. I was mostly amused as hell. I had to stifle my giggles as I made my way through the apt into the bathroom. I’m sitting on the toilet peeing, talking to Amber on my cell phone, telling her about it... and he rushes in the bathroom. I hang up the phone, still sitting on the toilet, and he starts yelling at me, calling me a whore (excuse me? who was screwing who in my bed?) and when I look up to him with what I know had to be a feirce pissed off look he decided to slap me. I reach down to grab my pants, cause if we’re gonna fight, I want pants on... and he grabs me by the neck and left arm and jerks me up and pushes me against the wall. He was yelling at me still, but I couldn’t hear anything. I could only try to anticipate his next move... He finally left me there, by now I’m laying on the bathroom floor hating myself for not choosing to live in my car. He’d left the apt, but not before leaving some note saying how I had to be moved out within 8 days.
The next few days went pretty smoothly. He was hardly ever at home, I guess he was at Bertha’s. I spent my days working,. and my evenings looking for a place to live. I had a few leads, but nothing was panning out for me. A couple days passed, and I still had a few days to find a place, I’d talked to my mom just stating the basics: fight, need place to live.. Then her b/f at the time, Larry, offered up his house that he was trying to sell. Sure, it was an hour away from the city... but it was a 2 bdrm house in a tiny town that I would have all to myself. So... on April 12th I spent the evening packing up my stuff. I didn’t have to be out until the 15th. I don’t think he expected me to leave at all... which I found out in the wee morning hours of the 13th. So... I packed and had my car stuffed with everything I owned at the time, except for a laundry basket, and my fish/fishtank & accessories. I had the strangest, brief conversation with one of the neighbors who’d never spoken to me before, but when he realized i was packing the car he told me how happy he was that I was ’finally’ leaving... apparently he’d heard our fights but never thought to interfere... (I wish he would have...)
I go to bed that night, on the floor... I just had the weirdest feeling that J would be coming home that night, even though I hadn’t seen him in 2 days. Yeah, so he came home and I woke up being kicked in the ribs and being called a whore and being asked what I thought I was doing with my things packed. (Duh...) When I reminded him that he was kicking me out he replied that he was just mad when he said that, and that I wasn’t allowed to leave. There were moments in those 3 hours where I felt like he was going to never let me leave that apt. We screamed, fought, cried, punched, hit, kicked... threw things. He raped me. It was just nasty and ugly. He was totally drunk and out of control. Once he passed out, I got up and took a shower. I snuck out without waking him. I went to find Larry, because even though I wasn’t planning on ever telling anyone (which is now kinda out there...) I wasn’t going back to that apt alone to finish getting my stuff, and I wasn’t willing to leave my beloved fish, Oscar. So Larry went with me when I went back for Oscar. And of course J was sitting in the chair right in front of the door... he started to jump up at me when he saw Larry behind me and he sat back down. (I’ll always love Larry for just being there!) When Larry went to the bathroom to get the fishtank stuff J was begging me to stay and blah blah blah. It felt so good to tell him to fuck off, and then walk away - knowing he didn’t dare try to hurt me with Larry around.
Pft.
Then... lemme see... Amber tried to set me up with Joe... who is now her husband. That was fun. He’s a great guy, but we’re clearly completely different people. I pushed him back onto her, and then decided he wasn’t good enough for her so I tried to break them up... Yes, I suck. Haha. Fun times.
I took a huge dating hiatus. I met R on yahoo personals (never again... Neh-Ver again!!) I don’t even care to go into this one. It’s dragged on and on and on for the past 6 years. Even though I dumped him 5 1/2 years ago. Lol. I will admit that after what I had with J, that the relationship with R was nice at first, cause I was the one with all the power and control. It helped me to heal mentally and emotionally. He is the very very very annoying roommate that doesn’t seem to know how to leave and stay gone. I tease that at the end of the world there will be R&R - Roaches and R... And most people who know him would most likely agree.
There was a guy... T... that Jenifer met through myspace.. or maybe it was Hi5(?). He lived here in KC so she set me up with him. He seemed ’so nice’ on the phone, so I agreed to go over to his place when he moved into his new apt. That decision quickly became a nightmare. He was clearly into some rough stuff that I was not into... and I let myself be painted into a corner. I played along just long enough to get to the door, he was pissed beyond what I’d imagined, but he did let me leave. I had bruises all over my back, chest, rib cage, and arms... I was only there for an hour... they were not ’fun’ bruises. I was so terrified after this occurance that I literally had my favoritest ever neighbor - Th - spend 2 nights sleeping in my recliner by my front door. I didn’t hear from T for over a year when he tried to re-add me as a friend on myspace. Lol. He’s kinda dumb.
Hmm... I guess that’s more than enough drama. That brings us up to about 2 1/2 - 3 years ago...
Well, this part will go quickly:
I admit to having two worthless one night stands shortly after the incident with T. Both were stupid on my part... and neither one was slightly enjoyable...
I have now been voluntarily celibate since Jan 2006.
I’ve just made the decision that lust is no longer enough. I deserve the best, and I won’t settle for anything, or anyone less than that.
If you judge me based on this blog - I’ll spork your eyes out.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Wow
So, It's been a while since I've posted anything here. Eh, it's been a while since I really posted anything in my online diary too... I'm a slacker.
Been busy with work. My roommate fell behind in rent, due to being sick and in the hospital for a full week... that really messes things up when he only makes like $6 an hour anyway, and 1/2 that goes to child support. So he's been working OT too, but also his medicaid (free health insurance for poor ppl) expired and he didn't get it re-newed in time, so he has been using some of his paychecks to get his blood pressure and pain meds refilled. So as it stands, he is behind like $425 in rent. I've been working OT to help pay my bills. It just sucks. I need to get my ass in gear and finish my degree so I can double my income and move next year like I want to!!
I've been going through my closet today... making piles of clothing: ones I can wear, ones to give to Amber, ones to go to Goodwill, ones to sell on eBay, ones I can recycle by using in crafty projects... My room is a disaster area!! I'm waiting for my batteries to charge up so I can use my digital camera to take pics for eBay. I'll probably be on the computer for the rest of the day then.
At this very moment I am wearing a size 24 pants and size 22/24 top. This time last year I was wearing size 32 pants and 30/32 shirts. I"m very pleased. I've lost about 90-93 pounds - depending on what day of the week I weigh on.
I've been stalled at this weight for a while now though... ice cream goes down so well, and tastes so good. I have 1 pint left in the freezer, and once it is gone I am DONE! No more ice cream until my birthday which is May 12... so almost 2 months. Once I successfully beat my ice cream addiction I will work on the chocolate (mostly M&Ms) addiction. I know I can do it - I've already successfully banned Fast Food, Sodas, and recently given up meat to follow a vegetarian lifestyle. I really miss salads... I just can't eat them at all. I get about 2-3 bites in and I'm stuck. But I do have some organic broccoli in the fridge and a new bottle of Ranch dressing... Maybe i'll eat that tonight instead of the ice cream. Hahaa
Melvin - well, things with him haven't really changed. I can't help it though, I love him. I know in my heart that I'm not ready to give him up, I want to be with him. But I stand firm on my decision of celibacy - I will not sleep with him or any other man until there is mutual love. Lust is no longer enough. I've now been celibate for 26 months. Wow...
Been busy with work. My roommate fell behind in rent, due to being sick and in the hospital for a full week... that really messes things up when he only makes like $6 an hour anyway, and 1/2 that goes to child support. So he's been working OT too, but also his medicaid (free health insurance for poor ppl) expired and he didn't get it re-newed in time, so he has been using some of his paychecks to get his blood pressure and pain meds refilled. So as it stands, he is behind like $425 in rent. I've been working OT to help pay my bills. It just sucks. I need to get my ass in gear and finish my degree so I can double my income and move next year like I want to!!
I've been going through my closet today... making piles of clothing: ones I can wear, ones to give to Amber, ones to go to Goodwill, ones to sell on eBay, ones I can recycle by using in crafty projects... My room is a disaster area!! I'm waiting for my batteries to charge up so I can use my digital camera to take pics for eBay. I'll probably be on the computer for the rest of the day then.
At this very moment I am wearing a size 24 pants and size 22/24 top. This time last year I was wearing size 32 pants and 30/32 shirts. I"m very pleased. I've lost about 90-93 pounds - depending on what day of the week I weigh on.
I've been stalled at this weight for a while now though... ice cream goes down so well, and tastes so good. I have 1 pint left in the freezer, and once it is gone I am DONE! No more ice cream until my birthday which is May 12... so almost 2 months. Once I successfully beat my ice cream addiction I will work on the chocolate (mostly M&Ms) addiction. I know I can do it - I've already successfully banned Fast Food, Sodas, and recently given up meat to follow a vegetarian lifestyle. I really miss salads... I just can't eat them at all. I get about 2-3 bites in and I'm stuck. But I do have some organic broccoli in the fridge and a new bottle of Ranch dressing... Maybe i'll eat that tonight instead of the ice cream. Hahaa
Melvin - well, things with him haven't really changed. I can't help it though, I love him. I know in my heart that I'm not ready to give him up, I want to be with him. But I stand firm on my decision of celibacy - I will not sleep with him or any other man until there is mutual love. Lust is no longer enough. I've now been celibate for 26 months. Wow...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Damnit!
OK. I was supposed to go to Melvins place tonight. Haven't seen him in like a month, cause he was in Houston with his family for 2 1/2 weeks.. He's been back in town since the 6th.
Which brings me to another point. January 6th 2006 is the last time I've had sex. Yes, 2 years of celibacy. My initial Mission to Celibacy was to last 2 years. Haha. So I'm super excited that I made it and that I only mearly tripped up once, with some random myspace guy last January, but made him leave before I could do anything bad. Besides, he had a very very small penis. (seriously, small.)
So, for whatever reason, Melvin called me from work a few minutes ago. He got hung up there and won't be making it home early enough for me to visit cause I have to work tomorrow, which means early bedtime for me. He understands my bedtime being important, cause I get bitchy with little sleep, and if I"m tired and bitchy at work, it could harm a patient... He is so very understanding with everything I put him through... LIke the no sex thing. I mean, I"ve been messing with him for OVER 2 years now... and still no sex. Other than the occational blow job I grace him with (I'm one of those weird people who don't really see oral as sex...) he is totally fine with just making out. He's never pressured me for anything further, or hell, anything at all. I swear, I totally love him.
Anyway.... so we were on the phone tonight and started talking about the no sex thing and he said to me that he was cool with it, and supported me in what I needed to do for myself. (He doesn't know every detail that made me decide on a celibacy mission, but I did tell him 2 years ago that I started it cause sex without meaning became too easy, and I didn't want to ever be veiwed as a 'whore'.) I made some comment like "Mission completed" and he questioned that. I told him I wanted 2 years of celibacy, unless I was in a serious commited relationship. He said "So 2 years is up?" with a hopeful gleam in his voice. And I just told him that now I'm at the point where it is awkward for me. No sex for 2 years has changed my perspective of things. So now I'm afraid that sex will mean TOO much to me, that if I sleep with him, because I like him so much, that everything would become harder and more complicated for me... It's purely selfish of me. Lol.
Anyway... So I think that now that we've opened up THAT conversation... maybe it will be a bridge for me to open up the one about where I freaking love him and either need to be the only girl he is seeing, or not see him at all... which will totally break my heart, but needs to be done. We either need to move forward, or move on. It has been TWO years...
Which brings me to another point. January 6th 2006 is the last time I've had sex. Yes, 2 years of celibacy. My initial Mission to Celibacy was to last 2 years. Haha. So I'm super excited that I made it and that I only mearly tripped up once, with some random myspace guy last January, but made him leave before I could do anything bad. Besides, he had a very very small penis. (seriously, small.)
So, for whatever reason, Melvin called me from work a few minutes ago. He got hung up there and won't be making it home early enough for me to visit cause I have to work tomorrow, which means early bedtime for me. He understands my bedtime being important, cause I get bitchy with little sleep, and if I"m tired and bitchy at work, it could harm a patient... He is so very understanding with everything I put him through... LIke the no sex thing. I mean, I"ve been messing with him for OVER 2 years now... and still no sex. Other than the occational blow job I grace him with (I'm one of those weird people who don't really see oral as sex...) he is totally fine with just making out. He's never pressured me for anything further, or hell, anything at all. I swear, I totally love him.
Anyway.... so we were on the phone tonight and started talking about the no sex thing and he said to me that he was cool with it, and supported me in what I needed to do for myself. (He doesn't know every detail that made me decide on a celibacy mission, but I did tell him 2 years ago that I started it cause sex without meaning became too easy, and I didn't want to ever be veiwed as a 'whore'.) I made some comment like "Mission completed" and he questioned that. I told him I wanted 2 years of celibacy, unless I was in a serious commited relationship. He said "So 2 years is up?" with a hopeful gleam in his voice. And I just told him that now I'm at the point where it is awkward for me. No sex for 2 years has changed my perspective of things. So now I'm afraid that sex will mean TOO much to me, that if I sleep with him, because I like him so much, that everything would become harder and more complicated for me... It's purely selfish of me. Lol.
Anyway... So I think that now that we've opened up THAT conversation... maybe it will be a bridge for me to open up the one about where I freaking love him and either need to be the only girl he is seeing, or not see him at all... which will totally break my heart, but needs to be done. We either need to move forward, or move on. It has been TWO years...
Saturday, January 5, 2008
It's 2008 already?
Eh, I really didn't mean to abandon this blog. I've been genuinely busy...
Over Christmas I was apt/cat sitting for a friend. So I would spend one night there, then one night at home. It made things easier on her cat, but my 2 kitties were not liking it one bit. I enjoyed it - because it got me away from my roommate - which is also an ex boyfriend... Have I told that story? Eh, kind of a long story. Basically met him in June 2001, he moved in with me Sept 2001... I kicked him out Nov 2001. And then (just as friends) he moved back in with me Jan 2001 for 2 weeks... then I don't know where he was for a while... then met his daughters mother... and lived with her fro 9 months - she was 7 months pregnant with their daughter and he had been cheating on her. Him and the new g/f moved in with me in Sept 2003. That lasted about 2 months. They got their own apt next door. Then she was pregnant, but not by him, she moved in with her new b/f, he moved back here in Jan 2004. Lived here for 4 months, moved in with another g/f. Came back a few months later. Then in Oct 2005 he had an abdominal aoric aneurysm, almost died. Had major surgery to repair the aneurysm and also to graft up the torn aorta. Because of the long term damage done to circulatory system, he has neuropathy (numbness) in his feet, and has to wear special braces. He can walk, but it too effort. In all he spent 3 months in the hospital and then 3 more months in a nursing home for rehab to relearn how to walk and function.
Blah. So now I have this life-long pity for him. Even though 99% of the time I can't stand him at all. He is a user and a loser and just annoying as hell. I want him gone from my home more than anything... but at least he is paying rent this time! (He's never paid before, and he owes me thousands of dollars.) I haven't told my family that he is back, they never understand. They always think we're dating again... ha! NOT!!
What else...
Melvin... He's been in Houston with his family since Dec 22. I hate that I miss him. He texts me everyday. Calls me 'baby' 'sweety' & other nicities. Says he misses me. At the stroke of midnight on New Years eve I text a virtual 'kiss' to all my friends, and to him and with his I said "Happy New Year, and remember I care about you." He responded with a kiss and smiley and says he cares about me as well... Ugh. But I don't care about him. I love him. I know I've said it a million times, but I really need to talk to him. Lol... I think when he gets back to town (in a few days) I will just tell him that its a new year and I need a new change. As things are we have this pattern that we do everytime I see him, and it's getting very very old and boring.
I'm going to my Granny & Gramps' place today. Haven't seen them since Thanksgiving, and I have a Christmas present for them. Granny said she'd make some chili. Yum!!
Over Christmas I was apt/cat sitting for a friend. So I would spend one night there, then one night at home. It made things easier on her cat, but my 2 kitties were not liking it one bit. I enjoyed it - because it got me away from my roommate - which is also an ex boyfriend... Have I told that story? Eh, kind of a long story. Basically met him in June 2001, he moved in with me Sept 2001... I kicked him out Nov 2001. And then (just as friends) he moved back in with me Jan 2001 for 2 weeks... then I don't know where he was for a while... then met his daughters mother... and lived with her fro 9 months - she was 7 months pregnant with their daughter and he had been cheating on her. Him and the new g/f moved in with me in Sept 2003. That lasted about 2 months. They got their own apt next door. Then she was pregnant, but not by him, she moved in with her new b/f, he moved back here in Jan 2004. Lived here for 4 months, moved in with another g/f. Came back a few months later. Then in Oct 2005 he had an abdominal aoric aneurysm, almost died. Had major surgery to repair the aneurysm and also to graft up the torn aorta. Because of the long term damage done to circulatory system, he has neuropathy (numbness) in his feet, and has to wear special braces. He can walk, but it too effort. In all he spent 3 months in the hospital and then 3 more months in a nursing home for rehab to relearn how to walk and function.
Blah. So now I have this life-long pity for him. Even though 99% of the time I can't stand him at all. He is a user and a loser and just annoying as hell. I want him gone from my home more than anything... but at least he is paying rent this time! (He's never paid before, and he owes me thousands of dollars.) I haven't told my family that he is back, they never understand. They always think we're dating again... ha! NOT!!
What else...
Melvin... He's been in Houston with his family since Dec 22. I hate that I miss him. He texts me everyday. Calls me 'baby' 'sweety' & other nicities. Says he misses me. At the stroke of midnight on New Years eve I text a virtual 'kiss' to all my friends, and to him and with his I said "Happy New Year, and remember I care about you." He responded with a kiss and smiley and says he cares about me as well... Ugh. But I don't care about him. I love him. I know I've said it a million times, but I really need to talk to him. Lol... I think when he gets back to town (in a few days) I will just tell him that its a new year and I need a new change. As things are we have this pattern that we do everytime I see him, and it's getting very very old and boring.
I'm going to my Granny & Gramps' place today. Haven't seen them since Thanksgiving, and I have a Christmas present for them. Granny said she'd make some chili. Yum!!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Gone so long
Didn't mean to be gone so long.
Nothing has been going on... really.
I'm drama free right now. Just kinda relaxing and trying to not think about Melvin a whole lot. I think I"ve realized that even though he has all of these wonderful qualities that I've always wanted in a man, he is lacking the most essential one: desiring only me, wanting only me... LOVING ME. And I don't know where that leave us. I still think about him. I still love him... but I am trying to not 'hope' anymore. I'm kinda of tired of being the one to worry about this and try so hard to make time for 'us' and stuff.
And just when I realize all of this... he is suddenly very chatty today. So I was annoyed. Usually when he text msgs me I'm just happy... today I was annoyed. It's just like he has some radar to know when I am wanting to move on from him and so he contacts me. I dunno...
Time will tell.
Nothing has been going on... really.
I'm drama free right now. Just kinda relaxing and trying to not think about Melvin a whole lot. I think I"ve realized that even though he has all of these wonderful qualities that I've always wanted in a man, he is lacking the most essential one: desiring only me, wanting only me... LOVING ME. And I don't know where that leave us. I still think about him. I still love him... but I am trying to not 'hope' anymore. I'm kinda of tired of being the one to worry about this and try so hard to make time for 'us' and stuff.
And just when I realize all of this... he is suddenly very chatty today. So I was annoyed. Usually when he text msgs me I'm just happy... today I was annoyed. It's just like he has some radar to know when I am wanting to move on from him and so he contacts me. I dunno...
Time will tell.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Pft
Haven't updated in a while. Been busy getting all my exercise in. This darn BodyBugg is so addictive. I'm up to walking 3.6 miles about 3-4 times a week, and go to the gym the other days. I only take Thursdays off. (I know - it's so exciting.)
Melvin - well, I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. I was trying to maybe go over there tonight, but he has some wedding he had to go to. I hate weddings. Really, I do.
Anyway, not sure when I'll see him again... I'm getting tired of it. I promise. I still love him... but its been almost 2 weeks since I left him the VM telling him that I cared about him and blah blah.. Argh. He's not ever mentioned the content of that VM, though he did confirm that he got it. I think the next time I go over there I'll be more brave (now that I already got part of it out there) and just kinda ask him flat out whether or not 'this' is going anywhere, or if I'm just some girl that comes over and gives him an occational blow job - cause I don't want to be that girl. (anymore)
Melvin - well, I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. I was trying to maybe go over there tonight, but he has some wedding he had to go to. I hate weddings. Really, I do.
Anyway, not sure when I'll see him again... I'm getting tired of it. I promise. I still love him... but its been almost 2 weeks since I left him the VM telling him that I cared about him and blah blah.. Argh. He's not ever mentioned the content of that VM, though he did confirm that he got it. I think the next time I go over there I'll be more brave (now that I already got part of it out there) and just kinda ask him flat out whether or not 'this' is going anywhere, or if I'm just some girl that comes over and gives him an occational blow job - cause I don't want to be that girl. (anymore)
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