Self inflicted DRAMA!

So... at 1030 last night Melvin texts me and asks me to come over. He even said 'please??' How could I resist?!? So I took a 3 minute shower and got dressed. We watched TV and made out for a bit. And of course it ended up with me giving him head... it usually does anymore. He likes it, I like it... Damn.
And as always, when I was done I got up and left. I just don't feel like there is anything left to say or do after that! I'm such a nerd. For me it's all about doing a job (very well thank you!), and then its time to go.
Even though several times while I was there he talked about going to Taco Bell to get something to eat... and had asked if I wanted to go with him... and even though when we were walking out of his place I made some comment about "Anything I can do to help you sleep better." And he said "You still could..." I laughed and walked to my car and left. Yes, I left.
So I am leaving the apartment complex and I want to cry - of course I don't cry, I never do. I ended up driving down Barry Rd and stopped in the Toys R Us parking lot... I debated for a few minutes about what to do. All I knew was that I didn't want to go home.
I picked up my phone and saw that I had a text from my cousin Ashley and is said something like I could ask any question. So I asked her why I love him far more than he likes me. Lol... hey, she said ANY question. We ended up talking on the phone, and after her friend branded me a lesbian - just because I got old and discovered morals and decided to not have sex with every guy I meet! - she and I talked and she told me to text him and ask about cuddling... So I did. But of course I had to make it unemotional, detached - cause that's what I do best! So I said something like "My cousin thinks I should come back and cuddle with you so you don't feel cheap and used." His response: "That would be great!! But you never do." O.M.G.!! What the hell am I supposed to do with that?! In the end he said not to come back, we'll do it next time. Ugh.
OK, I KNOW I need to talk to him. We never talk. We just watch TV and make out. What the hell, man? And he TRIES... he really does. He even specifically asked me last night "What do you want? What do you like?" And do you know what I said?? "I don't like anything, haven't you figured that out yet?" OMG! That's worse than the time he asked "Is there anything I can do for you?" and I replied "Nah, I'm good." haha.
I have serious intimacy issues. I blame my mother for treating me like her friend when I was very young - she would come to me with all of her problems... and several times told me to never get married cause all men are assholes. Hearing that from the age of 6 has definitely had an effect on me. I blame my father for not being there - for teaching me at the age of 3 that all men leave. I blame John for the brief time we dated and lived together - he hit me and treated me like I was his property, the word 'no' was not recognized by him.
bah...
I know I need to talk to Melvin. I have acknowledged this before here in this blog. But everything is easier said than done.
Maybe I need to be more of a 'girl'... get in touch with my feelings and not be so scared of rejection and failure or whatever. When we are kissing or touching I need to not force my focus on the TV or anything else than can detract my attention from what is happening. I'm just so scared to be in the moment. Whether the problem be my prior damage - baggage - or my own feelings of self worth (or lack thereof)... I need to get over it and move on, before I lose this beautiful man.

OMG, seriously?

OK... I LOVE the fact that no one reads this... or at least no one makes their presence known. Lol.
See, I also write and online diary on www.opendiary.com and I love it. I've been writing there for 3 years? maybe 4. Anyway. I have great friends there. Some of my real life friends write there, and read my diary. And some of the people on there I've had the pleasure to meet in person and build a great bond of mutual respect and trust.
So, my friend Amber... We've been great friends since we were 14 years old. We've now officaially known each other longer than we haven't. I love her, I really do. We tried not being friends a few times, and it doesn't work.
But right now she is being soooo overly dramatic! I can't stand this dramaqueen martyr role she plays!! Yes, I understand that she has thyroid issues. No biggie. SO they will do the CT, and the biopsy and all will be well. They may or may not do surgery to have the thyroid removed. No biggie. Am I insensitive? No... I'm a nurse! Lol. They way she is carrying on you'd think that she has terminal brain cancer or something...
I'm done... I'll be her friend and support her - but I cannot feed into the dramaqueen BS. It's going to kill us.

We need to talk...

I so need to be able to talk to Melvin! OK, so I was just at his house. And the whole drive there I rehearsed what I needed to say - things about needing to know if I'm just an occasional blow job to him, or if he wanted more from me - beyond sexual gratification. I so badly want him to just LOVE ME!
So anyway, once I walked into his apartment and saw his beautiful face I knew that I wouldn't be able to talk to him. That the things I wanted to say and bring up would somehow change the course of things - perhaps making him want to not ever see me again - and I'm just not ready to give him up. I need his kisses and his touch. I hate that, but I do. Tonight was different in some ways - sure, I ended up on my knees for him... but things were just different. Somehow when we were making out we seemed closer... or maybe that is just me dreaming it? but he was kissing and biting at my neck like he needed me... and I wanted to just be in that moment forever.
At one point we were joking around and I made a fist, he made one too, and I said "You won't hit me." And he looked at me all serious like and said "Oh, I won't?" And I said "You wouldn't." And I laughed. But because of my history with being hit and stuff (John) it stuck in my mind. Once I'd left there wasn was on my way home I texted him and asked "You wouldn't really hit me, would you?" And he wrote back and said "never ever. I'd cut my own hands off first." That meant more to me than anyone will ever know! Of course I never got the 'abuser' vibe from him, you just never know. And of course I've known him for 2 years and he's been so patient with me. I so wish I could just explain that I am the way I am because of how John terrorized me... I'm always so afraid to give an inch, fearing that a man will see it as an invitation to take what he wants from me. I need to tell Melvin this, so he doesn't think that when I pull away from him that I am rejecting him!! Why can't I just tell him?! - Because I'm afraid he will see me as dumb and weak and I don't want him - or anyone to ever see me that way.

Damn him. I love him... and i don't want to. He's turned me into a fretting vulnerable girl.

It's only MONDAY?!?!

So... lots going on this week... and it's Monday!

OK... Melvin is out of town until Wednesday for some airport conference in Tucson Arizona. I miss him madly and I hate it. I have started to realize that it is too late to try to save my heart from him... I already love him. I wouldn't say I'm IN love with him, but I do love him. I love so much about him... I just wish he felt the same about me. I know he must feel something for me, I'm just not sure what that is... but God, I pray that I am more than a warm body and occasional blow job.

Ron - So he did manage to get a job today. Popeyes chicken, 4 1/2 hours a day for $6.75 an hour. It's not much, but it is something. And working 11-3:30 he should be able to easily get an evening job somewhere else. But, the deal was for him to get a job and then he could stay... so Ugh. Now I gotta tell my mom he's back. Damn.

Garry - He was supposed to call to set up a date last week, but never did. Then he emailed me and said work had been crazy, and that he'd call the next night... and that was Thursday. So oh well. He wasn't much of my type anyway. Too old, etc... I dunno. There was just no chemistry. But still... to not call me, even after he sent an email saying he would? Pft.

On top of all of that I've been pre-occupied with work. My manager is a freaking idot that drives me insane. Then there is Audrey. Ugh. She could seriously fall off the face of the earth and NO ONE would miss her. Seriously. I wish her no ill will... I just wish she'd fall off my corner of the world.

And I'm leaving on the 20th to go to Houston for vacay!! Can't wait to get there and see Jen. I'm hoping to be down at least another 10 pounds by then. I know, I know - 10 pounds in 10 days... but I get a fill on Friday, and I typically lose 5+ pounds right after a fill because of the mandatory 2 day liquid diet, not to mention the restriction that I have now, combined with any new restriction I should have after then. I'm really just excited to be able to be there for my best friends birthday. We'll have a blast!!

where do I start?

I don't even know where to start here.
Ron moved back in today. The people he was staying with have kicked him out. I know that no mater where he is staying for the moment that it is only a matter of time for them to kick him out and him to come crawling back to me with his little 'mommy' cry. It's very irritating that he is 5 years older than me, and my ex boyfriend... and yet I've ALWAYS been the one to take care of him... I'm always the one to comfort him. How do you tell someone you love 'Oh well, so sorry you're homeless.' and move on? I can't. Of course I had a choice. We're all given choices in life. And so I made the only choice that I could make... based upon the "What Would Jesus Do?" mantra. So he's here. And he's promised me that "this time it will be different..." and even though I don't believe that it will be any different than the past several times that he's moved in with me and used me... I still welcome him with open arms.

Damn Sticky Notes Everywhere

So, it's been a minute since I posted here. Not a whole lot going on.
Wednesday night I went out with Garry. The 45 year old white guy. Been a while since I went out with a white guy... when I walked into the bar looking for him my eye caught on every black male. Lol. But I did find him. We had beverages (I drank OJ). It was a nice time and we chatted the whole 2 hours about whatever floated into our minds. I like him well enough... but I didn't feel any spark.
Which brings me back to Melvin... again. Damnit! I can't help myself! He has something... and I'm so attracted to him. When I'm not with him - I can just think about him and my whole body feels a pull towards him. And when I'm with him - I can't even describe it. Touching him. Kissing him. Seeing him smile. Feeling his hands when he touches my face. I love how his skin tone looks on top of mine.
And then there are the sticky notes.. on his fridge.. in a girls handwriting that say things like "thanks for the sleepover. I love you." And another one just simply said "I love you Cupcake." What the hell am I supposed to do with THAT knowledge. He didn't try to hide them, or distract my attention from them. I don't know if he cared I saw them at all. Did he want me to ask about them? Cause I won't. Did he want me to be upset by them? Well, I kinda am, but he'll never know it. Jealousy is wasted energy - an emotion based in hate.
When we were on the couch, holding each other, all was well. I feel totally comfortable and safe in his arms. I gave him a backrub, and he said to me what so many others have told me - "Have you ever considered becoming a massage therapist?" Lol. Yes, but no... Anyway. I tell him how cute he is and that he is special to me. He returns the compliments. He says he likes having me over. And there was discussion about spending the night - in a backhanded kind of way... like he said something like "You won't stay the night, even if I want you too." I agreed... but only because I wanted to be with him. I would love to sleep with him and hold him all night long and wake up with him. He laid with his head in my lap and I was just gently rubbing his head and temples when I noticed I was writing out my wishes with my fingrtips 'i wish you would just love me. want me. need me.' I stopped suddenly, I don't think he noticed. Of course he didn't notice... he's a friggin boy.
He is 6'5", and gorgeous. I Love him so much that I am sacrificing too much of myself to be able to see him just once a month. If only he didn't have those damn sticky notes. If only I could be the only one...
But whatever... I can fall back on Garry I guess... I actually considered being with him and pretending like that was enough.