Damn Sticky Notes Everywhere

So, it's been a minute since I posted here. Not a whole lot going on.
Wednesday night I went out with Garry. The 45 year old white guy. Been a while since I went out with a white guy... when I walked into the bar looking for him my eye caught on every black male. Lol. But I did find him. We had beverages (I drank OJ). It was a nice time and we chatted the whole 2 hours about whatever floated into our minds. I like him well enough... but I didn't feel any spark.
Which brings me back to Melvin... again. Damnit! I can't help myself! He has something... and I'm so attracted to him. When I'm not with him - I can just think about him and my whole body feels a pull towards him. And when I'm with him - I can't even describe it. Touching him. Kissing him. Seeing him smile. Feeling his hands when he touches my face. I love how his skin tone looks on top of mine.
And then there are the sticky notes.. on his fridge.. in a girls handwriting that say things like "thanks for the sleepover. I love you." And another one just simply said "I love you Cupcake." What the hell am I supposed to do with THAT knowledge. He didn't try to hide them, or distract my attention from them. I don't know if he cared I saw them at all. Did he want me to ask about them? Cause I won't. Did he want me to be upset by them? Well, I kinda am, but he'll never know it. Jealousy is wasted energy - an emotion based in hate.
When we were on the couch, holding each other, all was well. I feel totally comfortable and safe in his arms. I gave him a backrub, and he said to me what so many others have told me - "Have you ever considered becoming a massage therapist?" Lol. Yes, but no... Anyway. I tell him how cute he is and that he is special to me. He returns the compliments. He says he likes having me over. And there was discussion about spending the night - in a backhanded kind of way... like he said something like "You won't stay the night, even if I want you too." I agreed... but only because I wanted to be with him. I would love to sleep with him and hold him all night long and wake up with him. He laid with his head in my lap and I was just gently rubbing his head and temples when I noticed I was writing out my wishes with my fingrtips 'i wish you would just love me. want me. need me.' I stopped suddenly, I don't think he noticed. Of course he didn't notice... he's a friggin boy.
He is 6'5", and gorgeous. I Love him so much that I am sacrificing too much of myself to be able to see him just once a month. If only he didn't have those damn sticky notes. If only I could be the only one...
But whatever... I can fall back on Garry I guess... I actually considered being with him and pretending like that was enough.