We need to talk...

I so need to be able to talk to Melvin! OK, so I was just at his house. And the whole drive there I rehearsed what I needed to say - things about needing to know if I'm just an occasional blow job to him, or if he wanted more from me - beyond sexual gratification. I so badly want him to just LOVE ME!
So anyway, once I walked into his apartment and saw his beautiful face I knew that I wouldn't be able to talk to him. That the things I wanted to say and bring up would somehow change the course of things - perhaps making him want to not ever see me again - and I'm just not ready to give him up. I need his kisses and his touch. I hate that, but I do. Tonight was different in some ways - sure, I ended up on my knees for him... but things were just different. Somehow when we were making out we seemed closer... or maybe that is just me dreaming it? but he was kissing and biting at my neck like he needed me... and I wanted to just be in that moment forever.
At one point we were joking around and I made a fist, he made one too, and I said "You won't hit me." And he looked at me all serious like and said "Oh, I won't?" And I said "You wouldn't." And I laughed. But because of my history with being hit and stuff (John) it stuck in my mind. Once I'd left there wasn was on my way home I texted him and asked "You wouldn't really hit me, would you?" And he wrote back and said "never ever. I'd cut my own hands off first." That meant more to me than anyone will ever know! Of course I never got the 'abuser' vibe from him, you just never know. And of course I've known him for 2 years and he's been so patient with me. I so wish I could just explain that I am the way I am because of how John terrorized me... I'm always so afraid to give an inch, fearing that a man will see it as an invitation to take what he wants from me. I need to tell Melvin this, so he doesn't think that when I pull away from him that I am rejecting him!! Why can't I just tell him?! - Because I'm afraid he will see me as dumb and weak and I don't want him - or anyone to ever see me that way.

Damn him. I love him... and i don't want to. He's turned me into a fretting vulnerable girl.