Self inflicted DRAMA!

So... at 1030 last night Melvin texts me and asks me to come over. He even said 'please??' How could I resist?!? So I took a 3 minute shower and got dressed. We watched TV and made out for a bit. And of course it ended up with me giving him head... it usually does anymore. He likes it, I like it... Damn.
And as always, when I was done I got up and left. I just don't feel like there is anything left to say or do after that! I'm such a nerd. For me it's all about doing a job (very well thank you!), and then its time to go.
Even though several times while I was there he talked about going to Taco Bell to get something to eat... and had asked if I wanted to go with him... and even though when we were walking out of his place I made some comment about "Anything I can do to help you sleep better." And he said "You still could..." I laughed and walked to my car and left. Yes, I left.
So I am leaving the apartment complex and I want to cry - of course I don't cry, I never do. I ended up driving down Barry Rd and stopped in the Toys R Us parking lot... I debated for a few minutes about what to do. All I knew was that I didn't want to go home.
I picked up my phone and saw that I had a text from my cousin Ashley and is said something like I could ask any question. So I asked her why I love him far more than he likes me. Lol... hey, she said ANY question. We ended up talking on the phone, and after her friend branded me a lesbian - just because I got old and discovered morals and decided to not have sex with every guy I meet! - she and I talked and she told me to text him and ask about cuddling... So I did. But of course I had to make it unemotional, detached - cause that's what I do best! So I said something like "My cousin thinks I should come back and cuddle with you so you don't feel cheap and used." His response: "That would be great!! But you never do." O.M.G.!! What the hell am I supposed to do with that?! In the end he said not to come back, we'll do it next time. Ugh.
OK, I KNOW I need to talk to him. We never talk. We just watch TV and make out. What the hell, man? And he TRIES... he really does. He even specifically asked me last night "What do you want? What do you like?" And do you know what I said?? "I don't like anything, haven't you figured that out yet?" OMG! That's worse than the time he asked "Is there anything I can do for you?" and I replied "Nah, I'm good." haha.
I have serious intimacy issues. I blame my mother for treating me like her friend when I was very young - she would come to me with all of her problems... and several times told me to never get married cause all men are assholes. Hearing that from the age of 6 has definitely had an effect on me. I blame my father for not being there - for teaching me at the age of 3 that all men leave. I blame John for the brief time we dated and lived together - he hit me and treated me like I was his property, the word 'no' was not recognized by him.
bah...
I know I need to talk to Melvin. I have acknowledged this before here in this blog. But everything is easier said than done.
Maybe I need to be more of a 'girl'... get in touch with my feelings and not be so scared of rejection and failure or whatever. When we are kissing or touching I need to not force my focus on the TV or anything else than can detract my attention from what is happening. I'm just so scared to be in the moment. Whether the problem be my prior damage - baggage - or my own feelings of self worth (or lack thereof)... I need to get over it and move on, before I lose this beautiful man.