Gone so long

Didn't mean to be gone so long.
Nothing has been going on... really.
I'm drama free right now. Just kinda relaxing and trying to not think about Melvin a whole lot. I think I"ve realized that even though he has all of these wonderful qualities that I've always wanted in a man, he is lacking the most essential one: desiring only me, wanting only me... LOVING ME. And I don't know where that leave us. I still think about him. I still love him... but I am trying to not 'hope' anymore. I'm kinda of tired of being the one to worry about this and try so hard to make time for 'us' and stuff.
And just when I realize all of this... he is suddenly very chatty today. So I was annoyed. Usually when he text msgs me I'm just happy... today I was annoyed. It's just like he has some radar to know when I am wanting to move on from him and so he contacts me. I dunno...

Time will tell.

Pft

Haven't updated in a while. Been busy getting all my exercise in. This darn BodyBugg is so addictive. I'm up to walking 3.6 miles about 3-4 times a week, and go to the gym the other days. I only take Thursdays off. (I know - it's so exciting.)

Melvin - well, I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. I was trying to maybe go over there tonight, but he has some wedding he had to go to. I hate weddings. Really, I do.
Anyway, not sure when I'll see him again... I'm getting tired of it. I promise. I still love him... but its been almost 2 weeks since I left him the VM telling him that I cared about him and blah blah.. Argh. He's not ever mentioned the content of that VM, though he did confirm that he got it. I think the next time I go over there I'll be more brave (now that I already got part of it out there) and just kinda ask him flat out whether or not 'this' is going anywhere, or if I'm just some girl that comes over and gives him an occational blow job - cause I don't want to be that girl. (anymore)

Scariest Halloween EVER!

I suck as a human being. I am a failure. Lol

I TRIED to talk to Melvin last night, but I got all cold and numb and I had no voice.

The night actually ended all jacked up cause we were standing at the door talking and I made some generalized comment - something about guys, that could have been easily taken to mean that he isn't the only guy in my life... OK, thats the only way for it to be taken. Well, he grabs his chest and says 'Ouch, that hurt my heart...' I tried to move his hands and kiss his chest, but he wouldn't let me... I felt bad, cause. Good gosh! You know how bent I am over him. He is the only guy I want to be with... I just cannot make that come across in the words I choose when I talk to him cause I want to be so aloof about everythng. I spend too much energy at making every touch, every look, every word to be absolutely void of any feeling or emotion. I don't know why he puts up with me. Really, I don't. I'm not worth it. He is such a better person than me.
And then I make some other dumb comment, just as the previous one was starting to slip away... and he kinda pushes me out the door. (Not like all mean and shovey, but like, I had the door open and he steps closer forcing me to back down and then he closes the door.) I know it's all my fault. So as I drove home I texted him and said "FYI: You're the only one. You've been the only one for 2 years." And I didn't expect a return reply at all... and I got exactly what I expected. Silence.

I had hoped maybe he'd call or text today. But nothing.

When I went on my 2 mile walk today I had about 10 different conversations in my head with him. Conversations where I come totally clean, conversations where I come partly clean, conversations where I tell him how hard it is for me to find the right words cause I'm so emotionally unavailable... None of which will ever actually find their way to his ears.

I wrote an email to him.

Here is the email: "Hey. I just wanted to call and let you know that while I suck at words and stuff, I do care about you. I probably care about you too much. I've been through alot the past couple of years and I've made changes about how I live, but there are some things I haven't gotten to yet: like learning how to express myself. In case you were unaware, you are the only guy I care about. The only guy I've so much as hugged or kissed in the past 2 years. I don't know how you feel, or if you feel anything at all for me, but, well, now you know where I'm at. "

Of course I don't have the balls to email it to him. It's too long to text. I actually intended for it to be a mini transcript, so I could call him and my brain wouldn't go blank. Something for me to reference so I could get it all out of me, and to him... so whenI just tried to call him I got his voicemail (which I was hoping for) but as soon as it beeped for me to leave a msg all of the blood drained from my body and I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't breathe... So I just said "Happy Halloween. I hope you had a good day." And I hung up.

I suck. I need to move on.

**************************************************************

OMG!! I TOTALLY did it!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so freaking PROUD of my bloodless, numb self right now.
(adrenaline rush, anyone? I need a drink!)

So I called back again... only 40 minutes since I left the last msg...
"Oh goody, voicemail again. I'm so lucky... Well, I really just wanted to talk to you and apologize for anything I may have said last night that came off as cold or offensive. I suck with words and I don't say things right. I'm sorry. And just in case you have any doubt at all, I want you to know that you ARE the only one - the only one I want. I care about you and you are very special to me. And so, yeah. If you want to talk to me about...anything, you know my number."

I FREAKING SAID THIS! (Maybe not exactly, cause my pulse was racing and I was dumb and had little black flashes of non-light entering my vision and it was bad.) Lol. I swear ... I love him.
And I hate him for it.

What did i just do??

Sunday

Today I was at work and Melvin calls me. He was on his way to Church (cause he's a good boy.) He said he just called to say Hello. So I said "Hello." He laughed and said "Hi! How are ya?" Ugh. Then I asked him what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." Somehow, I don't remember what led to it, be he said I was special, then he quickly added "special to me." Uhh... OK. And I said "Aww, that was so sweet, thank you. You're so nice." And he said "I've been called worse." I said "Some called you somethig worse than 'nice?'" and he said yes. I asked "Who said what to you, cause I'll beat them up!" And he said Now now. we must rise above." (like I said, he's a good boy.) And I just started laughing and said "OMG! You're a better person than me!!!" And he said "Nah I've just learned the hard way." Lol. Anyway. That whole convo took 2 minutes, 8 seconds. I need to see him. Ugh. Its been like 2 weeks. I'm seriously pathetic.

Friday night....What are you doing?

Cause I have no clue what I'm doing!!
I wanted to go see Melvin, but when I called him at 9:30am he said he didn't know what his plans were and he'd let me know if he was going to be home tonight.
Uh... Hello??
OK, First off... am I not important enough to just make plans with me??? Why must he wait and see what else comes his way? Why must I be the fallback plan, in case nothing else pans out. I called early so that I could BE his plans for the evening!
I was so hurt at first... Now I"m just mad. And I think that if he calls me now he will be lucky if I answer the phone.
Ugh.

I'm a relationship-retard

So, Monday night Melvin called and asked me to come over... and of course I did.

When we were still on the phone he told me he'd added new pictures to his myspace and wanted me to check them out. I said I would... but then I got busy touching up my makeup and changing my clothes so I'd look cute and refreshed for him. :)

So he asks me if I'd looked at his new pics on myspace and I said No. He told me I should look at them when I get home, I said OK. Then I asked him if they were more pictures of his naked women, cause he has several shots of random women like their butts or cleavage. And he laughed and said no. He jokingly asked if I wanted my pic added there (he has some pics of me, but no cleavage or butt shots that I know of) and I said "No Way! I have family on myspace and they don't need to accidentally see them!" He said "You don't wanna be my woman?" I said "I don't wanna be one of your women." (notice his sigular, and my plural... yeah, I wasn't paying attention untilI'd started laughing and joking around about it.) And he said it again "You don't wanna be my woman?" I said "I'm no ones anything." He said "then what are yuo?" I said "I'm just me. An individual." And he said "But not my woman?" (This is when it dawns on me that maybe the conversation was different than I'd thought it was.)

He just needs to tell me outright what he wants from me. Haha. He needs to turn into a caveman and club me over the head and drag me away by my hair. Lol. Seriously. Dang.

I practice having conversations with him... but it never happens. Lol. GEEK GEEK GEEK!!!

Oh...... and that night we were watching an episode of NCIS and the main dude on there has been divorced 3 times. One of those marriages only lasted 13 months. I said "13 months! That was hardly worth it!" and Melvin says "We could do better than that. Should we?" Lol. And no, I don't even beleive he was serious, that was a total joke! I was laughing so hard and i said "Oh baby lets fly to Vegas!" Then he bit my neck. D.a.n.g. It all went downhill after that. My brain function severely drops when my neck is bitten or kissed. ;) I hate/love him.

Leaking toilet

Yeah. My toilet is laking. The bathroom floor has flooded 3 times in the last 24 hours. I've called my landlord and left a msg... of course he hasn't called me back yet. The water is coming from underneath, so its clean water, but still...

So, now at least 2 people read this blog. Yay. Lol. Feel free to inject your opinions on me whenever you feel the desire to do so. Lord knows I could use some guidance!

I've not seen Melvin in like 2 weeks. He's been busy with work. First there was a convention in town that he had to help with, then they had him doing some late night stuff... I know cause he's called me from his office at midnight. I miss seeing him, but I have talked to him more on the phone the past two weeks than we normally talk, so that is nice. He promised me on Friday night that he would make time for me this week... so we shall see. I'm going to try really really hard to have a conversation with him about how I feel and stuff. Basically I think that if he doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him that we just need to go our separate ways... its too hard to see him and kiss him only to have the fear that he is only using me. I'm sure that alot of that is my own lack of self confidence... but still.

Oh, and I'm so pleased that it is Fall! I went on my yearly Fall hike through a state park and took like 100 pictures. 3.5 miles! It was amazing. And now I'm buring a couple of Pumpkin Spice candles and my house smells so yummy. :) It's the little things...

Whew!

He FINALLY texted me back last night! I broke down and was just like "I know you've been busy this week, I just wanted you to know I miss you and hope to hear from you soon." He wrote back and said that he'd been very busy and he was glad I was understanding... We sent a few texts back and forth, and I said goodnight.
Today I just text hims and said "Smile, Someone is thinking about you. I hope you had a great day!" And he thanked me, and said he hoped I had a good day as well...

Everything between us is just so random and ... complicated.
I swear - the next time I see him I will TALK to him. Either we are 'together' or we're not, and I get to try to move on. I love him, but I can't handle being in limbo, whether the cause be my own intimatcy issues or his 'player' tendencies.

Worried... I think I'm paranoid

OK, I'm worried and paranoid now. I haven't heard from Melvin since last Saturday night... I've tried to call him and it went to voicemail after only 2 rings - meaning he ignored me. And I've texted him several times and haven't heard anything back from him. Is it too late? Did I screw things up?

Self inflicted DRAMA!

So... at 1030 last night Melvin texts me and asks me to come over. He even said 'please??' How could I resist?!? So I took a 3 minute shower and got dressed. We watched TV and made out for a bit. And of course it ended up with me giving him head... it usually does anymore. He likes it, I like it... Damn.
And as always, when I was done I got up and left. I just don't feel like there is anything left to say or do after that! I'm such a nerd. For me it's all about doing a job (very well thank you!), and then its time to go.
Even though several times while I was there he talked about going to Taco Bell to get something to eat... and had asked if I wanted to go with him... and even though when we were walking out of his place I made some comment about "Anything I can do to help you sleep better." And he said "You still could..." I laughed and walked to my car and left. Yes, I left.
So I am leaving the apartment complex and I want to cry - of course I don't cry, I never do. I ended up driving down Barry Rd and stopped in the Toys R Us parking lot... I debated for a few minutes about what to do. All I knew was that I didn't want to go home.
I picked up my phone and saw that I had a text from my cousin Ashley and is said something like I could ask any question. So I asked her why I love him far more than he likes me. Lol... hey, she said ANY question. We ended up talking on the phone, and after her friend branded me a lesbian - just because I got old and discovered morals and decided to not have sex with every guy I meet! - she and I talked and she told me to text him and ask about cuddling... So I did. But of course I had to make it unemotional, detached - cause that's what I do best! So I said something like "My cousin thinks I should come back and cuddle with you so you don't feel cheap and used." His response: "That would be great!! But you never do." O.M.G.!! What the hell am I supposed to do with that?! In the end he said not to come back, we'll do it next time. Ugh.
OK, I KNOW I need to talk to him. We never talk. We just watch TV and make out. What the hell, man? And he TRIES... he really does. He even specifically asked me last night "What do you want? What do you like?" And do you know what I said?? "I don't like anything, haven't you figured that out yet?" OMG! That's worse than the time he asked "Is there anything I can do for you?" and I replied "Nah, I'm good." haha.
I have serious intimacy issues. I blame my mother for treating me like her friend when I was very young - she would come to me with all of her problems... and several times told me to never get married cause all men are assholes. Hearing that from the age of 6 has definitely had an effect on me. I blame my father for not being there - for teaching me at the age of 3 that all men leave. I blame John for the brief time we dated and lived together - he hit me and treated me like I was his property, the word 'no' was not recognized by him.
bah...
I know I need to talk to Melvin. I have acknowledged this before here in this blog. But everything is easier said than done.
Maybe I need to be more of a 'girl'... get in touch with my feelings and not be so scared of rejection and failure or whatever. When we are kissing or touching I need to not force my focus on the TV or anything else than can detract my attention from what is happening. I'm just so scared to be in the moment. Whether the problem be my prior damage - baggage - or my own feelings of self worth (or lack thereof)... I need to get over it and move on, before I lose this beautiful man.

OMG, seriously?

OK... I LOVE the fact that no one reads this... or at least no one makes their presence known. Lol.
See, I also write and online diary on www.opendiary.com and I love it. I've been writing there for 3 years? maybe 4. Anyway. I have great friends there. Some of my real life friends write there, and read my diary. And some of the people on there I've had the pleasure to meet in person and build a great bond of mutual respect and trust.
So, my friend Amber... We've been great friends since we were 14 years old. We've now officaially known each other longer than we haven't. I love her, I really do. We tried not being friends a few times, and it doesn't work.
But right now she is being soooo overly dramatic! I can't stand this dramaqueen martyr role she plays!! Yes, I understand that she has thyroid issues. No biggie. SO they will do the CT, and the biopsy and all will be well. They may or may not do surgery to have the thyroid removed. No biggie. Am I insensitive? No... I'm a nurse! Lol. They way she is carrying on you'd think that she has terminal brain cancer or something...
I'm done... I'll be her friend and support her - but I cannot feed into the dramaqueen BS. It's going to kill us.

We need to talk...

I so need to be able to talk to Melvin! OK, so I was just at his house. And the whole drive there I rehearsed what I needed to say - things about needing to know if I'm just an occasional blow job to him, or if he wanted more from me - beyond sexual gratification. I so badly want him to just LOVE ME!
So anyway, once I walked into his apartment and saw his beautiful face I knew that I wouldn't be able to talk to him. That the things I wanted to say and bring up would somehow change the course of things - perhaps making him want to not ever see me again - and I'm just not ready to give him up. I need his kisses and his touch. I hate that, but I do. Tonight was different in some ways - sure, I ended up on my knees for him... but things were just different. Somehow when we were making out we seemed closer... or maybe that is just me dreaming it? but he was kissing and biting at my neck like he needed me... and I wanted to just be in that moment forever.
At one point we were joking around and I made a fist, he made one too, and I said "You won't hit me." And he looked at me all serious like and said "Oh, I won't?" And I said "You wouldn't." And I laughed. But because of my history with being hit and stuff (John) it stuck in my mind. Once I'd left there wasn was on my way home I texted him and asked "You wouldn't really hit me, would you?" And he wrote back and said "never ever. I'd cut my own hands off first." That meant more to me than anyone will ever know! Of course I never got the 'abuser' vibe from him, you just never know. And of course I've known him for 2 years and he's been so patient with me. I so wish I could just explain that I am the way I am because of how John terrorized me... I'm always so afraid to give an inch, fearing that a man will see it as an invitation to take what he wants from me. I need to tell Melvin this, so he doesn't think that when I pull away from him that I am rejecting him!! Why can't I just tell him?! - Because I'm afraid he will see me as dumb and weak and I don't want him - or anyone to ever see me that way.

Damn him. I love him... and i don't want to. He's turned me into a fretting vulnerable girl.

It's only MONDAY?!?!

So... lots going on this week... and it's Monday!

OK... Melvin is out of town until Wednesday for some airport conference in Tucson Arizona. I miss him madly and I hate it. I have started to realize that it is too late to try to save my heart from him... I already love him. I wouldn't say I'm IN love with him, but I do love him. I love so much about him... I just wish he felt the same about me. I know he must feel something for me, I'm just not sure what that is... but God, I pray that I am more than a warm body and occasional blow job.

Ron - So he did manage to get a job today. Popeyes chicken, 4 1/2 hours a day for $6.75 an hour. It's not much, but it is something. And working 11-3:30 he should be able to easily get an evening job somewhere else. But, the deal was for him to get a job and then he could stay... so Ugh. Now I gotta tell my mom he's back. Damn.

Garry - He was supposed to call to set up a date last week, but never did. Then he emailed me and said work had been crazy, and that he'd call the next night... and that was Thursday. So oh well. He wasn't much of my type anyway. Too old, etc... I dunno. There was just no chemistry. But still... to not call me, even after he sent an email saying he would? Pft.

On top of all of that I've been pre-occupied with work. My manager is a freaking idot that drives me insane. Then there is Audrey. Ugh. She could seriously fall off the face of the earth and NO ONE would miss her. Seriously. I wish her no ill will... I just wish she'd fall off my corner of the world.

And I'm leaving on the 20th to go to Houston for vacay!! Can't wait to get there and see Jen. I'm hoping to be down at least another 10 pounds by then. I know, I know - 10 pounds in 10 days... but I get a fill on Friday, and I typically lose 5+ pounds right after a fill because of the mandatory 2 day liquid diet, not to mention the restriction that I have now, combined with any new restriction I should have after then. I'm really just excited to be able to be there for my best friends birthday. We'll have a blast!!

where do I start?

I don't even know where to start here.
Ron moved back in today. The people he was staying with have kicked him out. I know that no mater where he is staying for the moment that it is only a matter of time for them to kick him out and him to come crawling back to me with his little 'mommy' cry. It's very irritating that he is 5 years older than me, and my ex boyfriend... and yet I've ALWAYS been the one to take care of him... I'm always the one to comfort him. How do you tell someone you love 'Oh well, so sorry you're homeless.' and move on? I can't. Of course I had a choice. We're all given choices in life. And so I made the only choice that I could make... based upon the "What Would Jesus Do?" mantra. So he's here. And he's promised me that "this time it will be different..." and even though I don't believe that it will be any different than the past several times that he's moved in with me and used me... I still welcome him with open arms.

Damn Sticky Notes Everywhere

So, it's been a minute since I posted here. Not a whole lot going on.
Wednesday night I went out with Garry. The 45 year old white guy. Been a while since I went out with a white guy... when I walked into the bar looking for him my eye caught on every black male. Lol. But I did find him. We had beverages (I drank OJ). It was a nice time and we chatted the whole 2 hours about whatever floated into our minds. I like him well enough... but I didn't feel any spark.
Which brings me back to Melvin... again. Damnit! I can't help myself! He has something... and I'm so attracted to him. When I'm not with him - I can just think about him and my whole body feels a pull towards him. And when I'm with him - I can't even describe it. Touching him. Kissing him. Seeing him smile. Feeling his hands when he touches my face. I love how his skin tone looks on top of mine.
And then there are the sticky notes.. on his fridge.. in a girls handwriting that say things like "thanks for the sleepover. I love you." And another one just simply said "I love you Cupcake." What the hell am I supposed to do with THAT knowledge. He didn't try to hide them, or distract my attention from them. I don't know if he cared I saw them at all. Did he want me to ask about them? Cause I won't. Did he want me to be upset by them? Well, I kinda am, but he'll never know it. Jealousy is wasted energy - an emotion based in hate.
When we were on the couch, holding each other, all was well. I feel totally comfortable and safe in his arms. I gave him a backrub, and he said to me what so many others have told me - "Have you ever considered becoming a massage therapist?" Lol. Yes, but no... Anyway. I tell him how cute he is and that he is special to me. He returns the compliments. He says he likes having me over. And there was discussion about spending the night - in a backhanded kind of way... like he said something like "You won't stay the night, even if I want you too." I agreed... but only because I wanted to be with him. I would love to sleep with him and hold him all night long and wake up with him. He laid with his head in my lap and I was just gently rubbing his head and temples when I noticed I was writing out my wishes with my fingrtips 'i wish you would just love me. want me. need me.' I stopped suddenly, I don't think he noticed. Of course he didn't notice... he's a friggin boy.
He is 6'5", and gorgeous. I Love him so much that I am sacrificing too much of myself to be able to see him just once a month. If only he didn't have those damn sticky notes. If only I could be the only one...
But whatever... I can fall back on Garry I guess... I actually considered being with him and pretending like that was enough.

Sugar Daddy?

Does wanting a sugar daddy make me a whore?
I was watching Dr.Phil yesterday, and there was a woman on there who was married, and yet she had 2 sugar daddies that gave her money and expensive gifts in exchange for 'companionship.' They listed the website where she m et them, so I was bored and checked it out. I made a profile and posted a pic that doesn't exactly show all of my face, nor really look like me.
Now some guy has contacted me, about meeting up when he comes to town for business in a few weeks. I haven't responded. I'm not sure I can do that... not really.
Oh, but the extra income would be nice.

So...

SO I didn't see Melvin this week. Somehow I knew it was too good to be true that he would want to see me 2 weeks in a row. (Low self esteem much?) Well, he texted me on Monday night at like 9pm asking if I could come over right then, instead of Tuesday night. Um, no. So he said maybe he would have time to see me on Thursday, but he never gave me a definate answer on that. I had told him I already had plans for Thursday night (to have drinks with Garry) but that I would cancel them for him. But no, by Wednesday night at 8pm he still hadn't let me know what was going on.
That is when I got a phone call from my friend Christian (who has also expressed an intrest in me, but is married with 3 small children), he told me that a friend of his at work gave him 2 tickets to the pre-season home opener of the KC Chiefs but he couldn't go, so he was offering them to me. Hell yeah! So I called Ron and he was thrilled at the chance to be able to go to the game with me. :)
When I got home around 9:30pm Wednesday night I called Melvin and told him that I now had even better plans and so no matter what he had or hadn't decided about maybe or maybe not seeing me that I wasn't going to be available for him. (Go me!) Well, he was OK with that. gah! I wanted him to be sad! Lol.
Oh well... I've always known where I rated when it came to him.
Have you ever read the book "He's just not that into you?" Um yeah... that book is 100% about Melvin and me. And it pisses me of to no end that I still like him as much as I do. That if he called me now wanting to see me tomorrow then I'd get up first thing in the morning and shave my legs and do my best to make myself all pretty for him. Men.

Why do I bother?

Ok. I might be writing about Melvin alot in this blog. I cannot mention him in my OD because too many peolpe I know read it and most of them do not approve of my liking him and wanting to spend time with him. And there are reasons for that... he makes me angry. He infuriates me with not being much of a conversationalist, with always expecting a blow job when I do see him, with canceling dates we make, with calling me at 9pm and wanting me to drop everything and come over - probably for a blow job. And I'm not a slut. I'm not his little cum-whore. Anyway...
So I love this man. I want him. I would be with him in a heartbeat if I could. I could have dropped everything tonight to go see him. I wanted to, but we need to set some boundaries! And I need to feel like he respects me and my time. He needs to not call me at 9pm and expect me to be there.
He isn't all bad. He is very sweet and caring. But he is a 30 year old man.

I have a date with a 45 year old man on Thursday night. A white man, at that. Haven't dated one of those in a while. But I figure that if what I've been doing isn't working, do something different... so an older white man it is. His name is Garry. He works in the "hotel business" though I'm not exactly sure what all that means. We're going to meet up at an Irish Pub for cocktails, and chat. It'll be odd. It's the initial 'get to know you' date that I hate so much. I like it better when the basic facts are out there already and you know how to act and what they would deemrude or whatever. Plus there is the whole issue of him being 15 years older than me. I've never dated anyone that much older than me before. Makes me wonder where our maturity levels will be, will we match at all? Life experiences will be so different and ... I need to quit worrying about it.

Melvin texted and said he might be able to see me on Thursday, since he had to cancel Tuesday... I told him I had plans already (the date with Garry) but that if I knew early enough about wether or not he could actually spare his time to see me then I could cancel my plans and see him. He wrote back "No need to cancel, I'll wait my turn." I wrote him back saying "You're more important than the other people I have plans with. Silly boy." I would seriously never date anyone else if I believed he would want me on the same level that I want him. This is insane. It will end badly. Love & Lust are so messy.

silver

& then it hit her, while sitting on the stoop of the office, back pressed against the glass door behind her. she was no longer a child. & she tried to think back to a specific point in time,
the exact moment she had lost it, but all she could think of was laying in that field of buttercups & wishing she could fly ...

Make out with me...

... and thats all he had to say and I was his. OMG. Kissing slut.
YES.. I gave in and finally went over to Melvins place tonight. I was fine when we were just texting the past couple months, but he called last night and I heard his voice. He just does it for me. He is the total package for me. Everything I wanted since I was a little girl. He is tall (6'5") dark (african american) and extremely handsome. He is college educated and has a good job where he gets dressed up in a suit everyday. He is smart and funny. He is sweet and romantic. He totally respects my 'above the waist only' rule.
Yes. I have an 'above the waist only' rule. I have been celibate since Jan 2006. I did have one close call with some random guy this past Jan, but in the end all we did was make-out a bit and I made him leave.
But with Melvin everything is different. He respects that I'm trying to be a good girl. So we made out. My neck is my favorite place to be kissed, and he will spend forever there... and I know he just does it cause I like it. I like him.
So we've had this thing (not sure what to call it?) between us for over 1 1/2 years now. Not sure where it is going. But I like him too much. Which is why I try so hard to stay away from him. I totally don't want a broken heart. I know I could fall madly in love with him, if only he'd ask me to. But as things are right now, I'm not totally convinced that is isn't a player. And I'm amazingly OK with that. I guess because I know that it is a possiblity so I've kept myself from getting too emotionally attatched.
Oh, but I could fall. Hard. Fast. Deep.
He's just amazing.
And I whispered into his ear tonight "sometimes you make my mind wonder..." he asked for an explanation... but I wasn't brave enough to spill it. Maybe next time. I think he invited me over for Tuesday night.

For Melvin

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Charolette

I have a cousin named Charolette. She is 10 years younger than I am, so she just turned 20. When she was 11 years old her mother died. Cancer. Her father was in prison for molesting her, and many other little girls. She had no where else to go really, so she came to live with my mom. Quickly she came to be like a little sister to me, even though we had such an age difference and hadn't grown up around each other at all. I would take her shoping at the mall, and we'd just hang out. I loved her so much.
I think I always admired her for the inner strength that she possessed. She testified against her father in court (molestation trial) when she was very young. When her mother died she took it in stride and I don't even think she cried at the funeral.
And you could definatly tell that we were related. Our mothers were sisters. She and I had so many of the same mannerisms and ideals. Even with a 10 year age difference we were pretty in tune with each other and we were close.
A few years after she moved in with my mom, my mom was moving from our hometown to a town about 2 hours away, in another state. Charolette, along with now being 13, wasn't thrilled with moving yet again. Being faced with starting her life over again, she became rebellious. By the end of that year my mom had had enough and sent her to live with the parents of one of her friends from her original hometown. That lasted about a year, then she was back at my moms for a few months. Just before her 16th birthday she decided to move back again to her hometown, with her stepfather and little brother.
She had always told me that she was going to drop out of high school the day she turned 16. I lectured her long and hard about that - to the point that she and I were both in tears. More than anything else in the world I wanted her to come live with me, but that wasn't possible at the time.
We had very little contact over the next 2 years. I think I saw her once or twice. I missed her all the time. I still loved her and prayed for her all the time. April 2005 I recieved an invitation to her high school graduation. I cried tears of joy. I was so happy - so proud of her - that in spite of everything that that child had gone through in her life, she was still graduating high school.
Never give up. Thats what I used to tell her. Even if you think you will never go to college, never give up, because someday you might change your mind. As far as I know she hasn't gone to college, and I'm cool with that. I didn't go to college until I was 22. Things change, our wants and desires change.
She did get pregnant in her senior year. She gave birth to a baby boy just a few months before graduating. I wasn't thrilled with that news. I was sad for her, but not disappointed in her.

So why am I writing all of this now? Because I miss her. Sometimes her face comes to me in my dreams. Last night I deamt about her. In the dream she was back to being that 10 year old little girl I first got to know so many years ago. Nothing in particular happened in the dream... it was just a memory of me comforting my newest little sister with a hug and a kiss on the forehead.
I'm not sure what keeps me from trying to reach out to her now. I have 2 phone numbers for her - but those are over 2 years old, so who knows if they are even right? I miss her.

Char, if you happen across this, please call me.
Love, Sissy

Do I n.e.e.d. another blog?

Not sure why I created this blog. I have an online diary. I have a myspace.
I think this one will show a side of me that I don't share in my OD.

I talked to Ron today for the first time in forever. I miss him. I felt like I was about 2 seconds from asking him to move back in, so I ended the conversation. I don't 'love' him anymore. I don't think I ever did. Not really. But I do love him. He is one of my dearest friends. He knows me in ways that alot of people don't. He knows me in a way you can only know someone if you've lived with them for an extended period of time. Sometimes I think he knows me too well, other times I think he is clueless as to who I really am... and I know that that is my fault.
I've always played the role of tough girl. I've always been teased because of my weight, so I played it off like I had no feelings at all... and living that way for years wears you down. I think I've actually convinced myself that I have no feelings, no emotions. I haven't cried in over 2 years. I can't cry, even when I really want/need to... I can't.
So I've kept peices of myself locked away and hidden from the world. thats no ones fault by my own. I can't blame the bullies in high school for that. I can't blame anyone for my skewed relationships... no, that would be the fault of my non-existant self esteem. I actually have 3 very attractive men interested in me, but won't let them get anywhere close to me. I'm scared, and I'm not sure what I'm more scared of - Being loved... or finding out that I'm unlovable.
I'm on a new journey now. A journey of self discovery and self patience.

So this is my new blog... I can't promise that it will be exciting... but it will be real.